Things happen for a reason

In this whole journey I learnt that things happen for a reason. There is a reason for everything . Nothing is a co-incidence and even in the depth of dispair , even when you have lost a child which to most people is the unthinkable , there are blessings to be found and lessons to learn.

I have learn't so much from my precious baby. He has given me so much wisdom and so many gifts that to my angel I will be enternally grateful.

One of the most important lessons that death and times of sadness teaches you is who is really there for you. You learn that most people are beautiful human beings who truely care and in the midst of your sorrow that there will be someone special there to pick you up . Sometimes the people you least expect.

And then there is a flip side . Like anything . For every black there is a white , for every up there is a down and for every good person you learn who never was there and who didnt care. But I am grateful for that wisdom too. As harsh a lesson it is! So now I know and with that I am aware. I have compassion for these people that at times when someone else is in need of support they cannot see beyond their life problems , just to spare a thought. Just to think "How have my actions impacted this family".How have my words hurt them! That they cannot grow to be better people as they are so caught up in the vicious cycle they call life. Not taking responsiblity for thems selves and their actions and always looking to pass the blame . I would never want to live that way . Its a horrid way to live and can only lead to a life of misery and heartache.

Grief rears its ugly head

Today I am really missing my precious boy . So much drama is happening around my life at the moment mostly good but some not so nice experiences but when I take a deep breath and really allow my self to feel I realise that this is all about my precious son . I guess a year on the days are brighter and the grief are less intense but today my feelings are very real. I am missing my little man oh so much and I really wonder would life be different if he were here . Its so hard to explain to people the intense grief you feel when you loose a child . When your hopes for your child are buried with them . It does ease but sometimes the grief does resurface and almost that just a tad more intense then the last. My heart is aching today. But when I get in these moods I think of my children and how fantastic they are and then I move on to think of their dad.

I Read somewhere that when you loose a parent you grieve your past , but when your child dies you loose/grieve your future. I have lost a child but thankfully have my parents around who have supported me but My husband has had the pain of experiencing both .Both his parents died very young and very very tragically. I wish I could take this pain away from him I wish that we as a married couple have not experienced so much in life .Sometimes I really do wonder how we as a couple have made it this far . His father passed a year before we got married and his mother passed very suddenly 3 mths after Giovanni was born. My dear Friend Sharene and her son past just after Nicholas was born and then we lost Michael. We have grieved individually and we have grieved together and everytime you grief rears its ugly head in feels like it is compounding. But am aware and grateful for every low we have experienced, we have had many many highs and I guess this is what got us through. But my heart goes out to him. He has suffered the most out of everyone I know. I really feel for him.

The blessing of a precious Godson

When our friends Sandra and Limbert came over in early Jan the last thing we expected was that they were to ask us to be their beautiful sons godparents. So you can imagine how surprised we were . We were so happy and so excited and couldn't wait till the day.

So Saturday was the day and we had such a wonderful day. I got to dress the special man in his wonderful suit and Vince got to hold Jason for most part of the day. He was a little restless during the ceremony being a big boy all he wanted to do was walk around ,So strong godfather Vince had a battle on his hands to keep him still for the blessing but he managed and as soon as Jason was set free he ran off and played happily.

Afterwards Sandra organised a wonderful dinner were we had a great time . It was such a lovely day all round. We were welcomed into the family by everyone and were initiated by the tradtional Bolivian dance. Not a good thing to look at considering both Vince and I have two left feet but enjoyable none the less.

Thank you Jason for allowing us this honour to be your godparents. I hope we can live up to this responsibility and want you to know that we are always here no matter what.

Happy Birthday Vince

Yesterday we celebrated Vince's 33rd birthday. He didn't get to relax entirely cause he still had to take Giovanni to soccer but then we went out for a special lunch a hurricanes where he feasted on a very LARGE Rack of ribs . So you can imagine how large it was if Vinnie struggled to eat it ..I didn't get a photo and really regret it now cause not only was he eating this massive plate of ribs but he also had to wear a bib ....It was so funny

Anyhow Hope he had a wonder birthday. I really want to take this opportunity to again thank my beautiful husband with the strength of a lion but a heart of gold from the bottom of my heart for being my husband, always supporting me and working so hard and putting me and the children first always. I know life has been hard my love but I really hope you find Joy in this beautiful family we have together . I m so grateful that we have you and that we are always your priority. I could not have made it through the last 12 mths without you...

So Happy Birthday my precious man from Me! and your three angels Giovanni, Nicholas and Michael. WE ALL LOVE YOU.

Its Ok to be Ok

Well a year on I am having more OK days than not . I think the thoughts of trying for another child has me looking forward to the future. That's what a child is . The future. Which is why loosing a baby is so hard. It loosing your hopes , your dreams , the plans you made for that child and the idea of what you thought your family would be . But I need to allow my self these OK days and not feel bad. God nows my family and I deserve it.

I do feel a female energy around me so not sure if this is child waiting to come through but I am so excited I almost want it yesterday.

Sometimes I do feel a little guilty that I am thinking of another baby. Michael will forever be my third child and no-one will ever replace that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish my son was here with me. But the thoughts of the future and perhaps another precious baby seem to soften the harsh reality that my baby boy will not be in my arms in this lifetime.

I guess its hope. Hope that all will be fine and despite this hole in my heart that I have now come to except will never heal....I do see some light.

The emotions of TTC are so intense . Very anxious yet very excited as I would expect the subsequent pregnancy to be. But I can do this . I can do this for me , for Michael and for my family.

TTC

The journey of trying to conceive is proving to be harder than I thought. I always thought that once I made up my mind it would just happen. But there is SO much that goes into it emotionally and whilst I have done allot of work to get to were I am now its not only about me . My poor husband has his own fears and own misgivings.

I know now that I do want another baby so badly but need to be patient with my husband too. He has been thru so much in his life and it is totally understandable that he too has fears . But men are such closed closets with so many emotions they keep bottled up inside . Its so hard to know what is going on in his head.

I hope in time that this too is just another experience and we can work thru it to come out on the other side with perhaps a precious little angel and if it doesn't happen I am bless for what I do have .

In this time

I have put this on my peoms blogg but wanted to share here . This beautiful peace of writing gave me so much inspiration in my darkest hours and when I read this I knew that I would be fine. I would survive

In this time of loss I call upon my spirit within to guide me to my strength so that I may find peace and completion. I will use this strength to demand of myself and others my need to grieve completely, for this will be my first step to healing. During my time of grief I will seek guidance not only from my inner spirit but from loving persons who may offer wisdom and comfort. I need to understand that the soul as well as the physical body needs healing and to pay attention to this. I will learn to accept that the soul may never heal completely. I will learn to live not in fear and once again see beauty in my world and purpose in my existence. In spite of my new knowledge that things happen that cannot be controlled, I must call upon the places within me that tell me I do have control over much of my life and use this control to aid my healing. Let me recognize the gift in my ability to conceive and carry life however briefly. Let me take joy in my ability to love so deeply and desire to nurture a soul unbeknownst to me. Let me find healing in the belief that this soul knew my love for it and that that love helped it to pass to another place. Let me honor this short life not only with my love but in finding meaning in its existence. Let me recognize this meaning in not only my ability to survive, but in my fullest appreciation of all the moments motherhood will bring me, along with my deeper compassion and sisterhood to other women who've experienced loss. Let a part of this soul be reflected in the spirit of my future children, born or adopted, so that I may know it through them. I will listen to and trust the place in my deepest heart that tells me I will once again be reunited with this soul and will fulfill the need to hold it in my arms. I will help myself to feel comfort in the knowledge that there is a star in heaven that belongs to me.

Author unknown

How do you forgive?

I have read so many self help books and spiritual books . All talk about Anger and resentment as being very toxic for our body and soul . They talk of forgiveness as something we need to do for ourselves . They define forgiveness as not about condoning the situation or the behaviour of the person that has wronged us but being strong enough to let the situation go so as not to carry these toxic emotions in our heart. Ordinarily I resonate with this thought and their hasn't been many situations or things that I have not been able to forgive . I truly believe that most people have good intentions but perhaps are caught up in their own lives or misguided. But How do you forgive the evil that chose to damage your babies grave.

It was a late Saturday afternoon. when my family and I decided to go to the cemetery to to see my son. We chose to bury him at this particular cemetery as my husbands parents are buried there and whilst it is a good 30-40minute drive we thought it would be a nice for Michael to be with his grandparents . Family often go there also to visit Vince's parents so we knew he would be visited and taken care of .

We try and get there fortnightly as I love his grave having fresh flowers .Although I know Michael is not there , I always found his grave site as a sacred place and somewhere tangible where I can go and just be . This particular November afternoon I was mortified when I arrived to find the head of an angel I had on his grave decapitated and the carnations which were placed there a week prior also with the heads of the flower snipped off neatly with only the stems remaining in the vase.

We looked around for any damage to other graves but Michael's was the only one damaged and Vince and I concluded that the attempt was very deliberate and targeted.

I was so devastated . I totally cannot out explain how mortified and gutted I felt . I cried hysterically as I cleaned the grave site and disposed of the broken angels and stems. I could not understand why someone would target my baby like this and his grave site and I could not fathom that such evil existed. This is an innocent child who never hurt anyone and someone felt the need to go to this level. It angered me that my baby was there and although I later realised that whoever did this was trying to rattle me an that they could never hurt my baby who is safe in the arms of god ...well it still hurt ..it hurt like hell ...and an act of hell it was ..It could only be pure evil .

This happened over 3 months ago now but I STILL am struggling to forgive . I'm hoping by writing this that it may be a release and the first step to letting it go fully . Sometimes I am forgiving but I find emotions are stirred up when I go to the cemetery as I am now frightened as too what I am going to find.

We are good people and will trust that good will prevail. What has happened has strengthened us even further. It is yet another chapter/challenge in my life. I know logically that no-one can hurt my baby who is precious and pure and in that I find comfort . I have also found comfort in knowing he is around me every day and its only his physical body that did not serve him at the cemetery .

The person that did this has a greater challenge and is clearly unwell and mentally unstable so from that aspect I sympathise and I know in time that I will come to forgive the person for my sake. It will just take time. A grieving father and mother should never have to face such further devastation but I am grateful that I now know the capabilities and the lengths of instability I am dealing with and from that point of view I will be able to protect my family.