Michaels 8th birthday

This time of year never gets easier but the blessings and learnings keep on coming. I will always miss you. I was going into Labour this time eight years ago . It was never meant to be this way. But funny enough everything is as its meant to be. Our journey together should not have ended there but then on the other hand I would not be who I am if it were not for you and this experience. Sadness and gratitude all at once. Bittersweet emotions all at once. You taught me the true meaning of duality, of mothering and of life. For this I am eternally grateful and whilst every day I feel the void you left behind, I am fulfilled knowing you are in a better place.

We played this song at Michaels funeral. It will always takes me back to that moment . We have all named the song as 'Michael's song' .To this day it sums up how we felt. Just one of the many ways I feel close to him. I knew back then that he was my gift ( as are all my children) but with Michael the gifts where profound. My life was made in these small hours.  This little wonder. I will never forget.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Baqhrg-MuE

 

I am one of the many mothers who has the privilege to mother an angel. Love to all that are parenting an angel and who are parenting children that are missing their angel siblings.

 

One of the hardest things is dealing with the grief of your children. The tears in my boys eyes are still very real and raw on days like today. They too long to play with their brother. Even Eva misses him even though she was not born when this event took place. She speaks of him often. She cannot wait to come home this afternoon and bake him some cupcakes. And  then there is Vince.  Well to Vince, he is boy that he never got to take to soccer. Never got to rumble and play with. A son that he too longs to hold.

 

Michael is and will always be a big part of our life. And although we don't get out to the cemetery as often as we would like, we know he is around us.

 I love you and miss you forever my baby boy Michael.

Michael's 7th Birthday

All I could ever hope for as a mum of a little boy in the spirit world is that he is remembered. Thank you for all the calls and messages today and for all that took the time to respond to my post yesterday. Knowing that his story has touched so many hearts makes me smile and warms my heart. Happy birthday angel. Hope you loved your cupcakes

What helped me heal.

Today is my angel babies birthday and I am reflecting on what has helped with the healing process for me.

Do you ever truly heal? I am not sure. However, accepting the grief, honouring your grief and learning to live with the grief, as a part of your new reality may ease the pain.

Having spoken to many bereaved people, I feel that everyone has a personal medicine that helps them through the tough times. The things they go to when the emotions resurface as they do. These items were my personal medicine during my time of grief. If you are experiencing grief right now, I hope you find your personal medicine .

 1) My family and friends. Their love, support and compassion.

2) Not allowing anyone to pretend they understood when they didn't.

3) Having his name mentioned not avoided like something taboo.

4) His memory honoured and remembered. Even 7 years on, friends and family will send me beautiful messages honouring and remembering him on his birthday.

5) Having something tangible that represented his spirit. For me that came in the form of a blue wren. This blue little bird signifies my son and his freedom in the sprit world. Occasional I will see this beautiful bird and he seems to appear at times when I need it the most. I have received so much comfort. Also his little spot at the cemetery was that tangible place I could go visit the first few years.

 6) Being able to write. I loved being able to channel my thoughts and emotions in to a blog or poetry when the grief was raw. This was so therapeutic and helped me to process the intensity of the emotions.

7) Poetry - I love poetry and reading other poems especially the one that I share below, gave me so much comfort in the early days.

8) Having a place for Michael in our home. We have a little spot in our home where his photo and other items that remind us of him live. We light his candle often.

 9) Music- I have several songs that remind me of him. I have placed them onto a CD which I played and played and played in the early days. This too I found extremely healing.

10) My little boys persistence in getting messages to me when I was not paying attention. I cannot tell you how many times my boy has via other beautiful people delivered me gifts and messages that where so random and the synchronicity of the events that lead to me receiving the messages could have not been anything short of a miracle. Pay attention. They do try and get in touch with you.

 11) Meditation - The ability to visualise him, connect with him and mother him through my visualisations has been so powerful for me.

12) Channelling this energy into a purpose and knowing that his story touched so many people on so many levels.

If you are supporting a bereaved loved one, do not pretend to know what they are going through when you really don't. All people really need at this time is someone to listen to them. Someone to allow them to process at this difficult time. They are not really looking for answers cause really there are no answers.

Don't be afraid to ask 'HOW ARE YOU?' and genuinely wait and listen to the answer. These three words can be the most powerful. Knowing that someone genuinely cares is so important.

Don't be afraid to mention their loved one. You are not reminding them of their loss. They a living it every moment of their day and will do so for many years. You will find that they love talking about their loved ones.

Another don't is the phrase 'At Least'. I really disliked (maybe hated) this phrase. Well meaning people say ' At least you have other children', 'At least you know you can fall pregnant' ...one does not replace the other and I found this phrase to be the most diminishing/undermining of all phrases. This, mind you does not only apply to bereaved parents and I have heard this phrase used in many contexts. Please do not use it when someone is grieving or to diminish anyone else's pain.

I hope this helps those that are grieving and those that a supporting somebody who is grieving. I am sure I have not covered everything so if anyone has anything to add here please feel free to do so or if you would like to share your personal medicine that would be great.

Rita

http://micahelspoems.blogspot.com.au/2009/01/in-this-time-of-loss.html

That Moment 7 years ago

You know those moments in your life where everything just stands still. Where everything is surreal. The world is the same old world. The hustle and bussle still exist, surrounding you like a tornado filled with debris.  You are in there but not one with the chaos because you are for once in your life, still.

You know, that this very moment your reality and everything that exist will fundamentally change and these feelings and emotions, this mindset,  will never exist as it is.
 

You know in your heart of hearts that in this moment, you will be defined. Your purpose and a new kind of reality will be revealed. You know you will never be the same person and as much as it hurts like hell and as much as you feel as though your soul is being torn to shreds, you know that you will come out of this stronger, wiser and at some point completely whole.

This moment happened 7 years ago. The moment I gave birth to you, everything changed. Will I ever want to go back to the moment before that moment where everything changed? Never! Why? Because without that moment, I would not have given birth to you. I would not have held you. I would not have captured the image of your precious face. I would not have smelt your transparent skin and played with your little fingers. I would not have been skinned completely bare,with my soul for all to see. For my soul to grow and lead me to this moment. This moment, for which I am eternally grateful for. Grateful for all that you have given me and for allowing me to know that I was stronger than I had ever imagined. You gave me that gift. You are my gift and I will love you forever. Happy birthday my sweet boy Michael. I now know in this moment, I did not loose you. In that moment, I found me and for that I honour you. For that, I thank you.

I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine" Mum xo

Today we Celebrated my babies 4th bday .Thank you to everyone the messaged ,rang ,facebooked and sent Michael Gifts. It always means so much to me to have him acknowledged and for that I am so grateful . We had a lovely day visiting my boy at the cemetary making and eating his cake and releasing 6 balloons ..one for every member of our family .

There is so much i want to write but I am so tired today so I will let the photos tell the story .

Thank you again xxx

 

On our way to the cemetery

 

 

 

Michael 4th Feb 2008: Most of the time I am OK. Most of the time, I live...

Michael 4th Feb 2008: Most of the time I am OK. Most of the time, I live...: Most of the time I am OK. Most of the time, I live and get on with things and enjoy and appreciate life for all it has given me and all that...

Most of the time I am OK. Most of the time, I live and get on with things and enjoy and appreciate life for all it has given me and all that I have . And its been great and I have been so blessed. Blessed with a loyal husband , blessed with healthy happy children . I have had the pleasure of raising boys and now a fiery, energetic pocket rocket of a girl who I absolutely adore but drives me mad at the same time. I have a beautiful home, a business that provides for my family. I have great family. We have grown to love and respect each other beyond the years of petty sibling arguments and amazing parents who have loved me and given me so much. I also am surrounded by amazing friends . Old and new. All the special people that were there when life was really hard for us to deal with and maybe we were too hard to be friends with. I have so much to be thankful for.

But today  I feel ripped off . Totally ripped off and yeah this post may get a little negative and I won't apologise for that as this is how I feel. So consider this my official warning. If you cannot handle a negative post, well its time to switch off this blog.  Today I need to feel this and  I will allow myself that.

6 years ago my eldest child Giovanni was starting school. I had just found out that my baby I was carrying was gravely ill. I don't remember his first day very much. Yeah I was present, well physically but it was all so surreal. Its such an important milestone for any child. Watching them go off to Kindy and begin their life of learning and independence. Giovanni didn't cope very well. He cried and cried for a few days after he started and what made it worse was mummy two days after he started kindy was off to hospital to deliver Michael. It was highly intense and emotional time for us as a family . Watching my eldest accomplish his first milestone and saying good bye to my third child.

And so Michael was born and buried and life went on. And I had to assume the role of the Kindy mum, dropping off and picking up and dying inside. Why? Well their were so many pregnant women around. At school , friends and family member's all blossoming with their little bundles and yes it goes without saying, I was happy for them but I was dying inside. I remember the feeling. So numb. So out of it . That was the only way I could cope with this reality at that time. To stay numb.

So I feel slightly ripped off that I didn't get to remember and enjoy my eldest son first day at school. And bar a few photos, I really have no recollection of this important milestone.

And now six years later another harsh reality hits. Michael would have started school this year . This would have been a milestone for him and another Milestone that I did not get to share with one of my children. I feel sad. Sad that I didn't get the chance to dress him in a school uniform and walk him proudly into school. Sad that my family is without him. Sad that 6 years has gone by since I held him.

Till the day you fall from the sky and we are together again

Happy birthday sweet boy. Always in my heart and forever loved.

 

 

A Christmas gift from an Angel

Well there are two angels involved in this story . The person who facilitated this and my baby who under no uncertain circumstances always reminds me how much he loves me and the fact that he is always around.

I am writing this blog post not only to share with you all my story and yes this blog serves a personal purpose for me,  in that it keeps a log of all the beautiful connections I have from time to time with my baby but also to remind so many of you (and a few people on my friends list come to mind who have lost there loved ones recently) that they are in fact always around.

Do I believe this?

Always!!! Without a doubt and I know that the recently bereaved are told this all the time as a way to somehow reduce the pain they are experiencing but I am telling you first hand that they are, and being open and believing is the key to noticing their signs.

I have been fortunate enough to be reminded in so many ways that Michael is with me . But the way and the timing he does this still amazes me. I often say to Vince for such a little baby, who was born but never took a breath on this earth, he is such an amazing , powerful little man to orchestrate a chain of events to always get these precious gifts to me.

The best way for me to tell this story is to directly reveal the message that was sent to me by a very special earth Angel called Magda (I know she won't mind me sharing cause I have asked her permission) .

Earlier this month I received this message in my in box

"Hi Rita how are u? I have to tell u a little story to explain something that I have to give u . I must sound strange but I've been putting it off as I didn't know how to tell u about what happened one day when I was shopping at "masters" . OK ... I was having sad day a few months back and I went to masters to buy a flower to plant . I was looking around and this worker was pushing a loaded flat trolley with pots, plants, rocks etc . As he walked passed me a box fell at my feet ... I couldn't tell what was in it as it was upside down. I was going to pick it up but the guy beat me to it and apologised for dropping it on me. When I was going to pick it up ( you popped into my head & I had a strong sense of you ) .... I picked my plant and instead of going to the cash register I was being pulled in a different direction . I walked over to where the guy had left the trolley and without touching anything the box fell at my feet again & that same feeling of u . I bought the box - it has 3 stones in it each with something written on them . I bought another box for myself and have yours in a bag. I have had it for a few months and I didn't know how to approach you and tell u . I'm sorry it's taken me so long to message u , but I know these stones belong to u and I would like to give them to u . After I left from the shops I felt so clam and my sadness turned to understanding and I could breathe again . For whatever reason it was a message from something beyond my understanding but I am a believer . "


When I met up with Magda, seeing her face when she was explaining to me again, what had happened was so amazing. But I can't tell her how grateful I am that she chose to tell me. These events happened back in August but Magda felt it wasn't the right time to give to me and she trusted her guidance. She was right.

August 2013 was a time in my life when a very dark time/association of my past had resurfaced. The last few months as a result have been quite intense emotionally as I worked through my past and worked through the anger associated with it. Facing this part of yourself is so confronting and frightening.  With this, came a few dark soul searching moments which again taught me so much and in the end my heart and the power of forgiveness (well and truly) led me to letting it all go and coming to peace with the events. This only happened late November. So Magda was right. The timing for me to receive this gift back in August was not right.

When I met up with Magda she  proceeded to tell me how Michael had touched her and how honoured she was that he chose her as a channel to get these gifts to me. And this is what I received.

You could imagine, just when I had closed a very painful chapter in my life, to receive this from my baby, my angel was so profound. And again the timing!

So I guess the pictures says it all.

Thank you so much Magda for what you did for me.  And I Can't wait to take you to Michaels grave. It means so much to me that my precious baby is acknowledged and remembered.

And to my baby, my angel. I love you more than words can say and I just want you to know that mummy is ready !

Missing you

I haven't written here for a while and really felt the need to write. I always used my blog as a way of connecting with my boy and I guess being a little disconnected at the moment due to the fact I studying for my upcoming exams, this is a tangible way to connect. Today I saw my beautiful niece being baptized. And to be honest seeing these little babies in their beautiful white gowns always reminds me of what I missed out on with my baby boy. For the most part these days, I feel at peace with the situation and have accepted that Michael will always be the child that I share this special spiritual connection with but sometimes I just want him in my arms. Yes Michael,  mummy just wants you in her arms. And although I know this is not logical , tonite my heart is aching for you. And tonight I wish things were different. But there not, you not here and so life goes on and that we do,  Get on with life. We may not get out to the cemetary   much these days and yes there are those that judge us for it but know Michael you are always in my heart . Never forgotten and I know your not really there anyway my blue bird. I saw you fly by me when I went for my walk this week . ❤ Love mummy 

Happy 5th birthday to my angel ! Always in my heart x

As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow ,
As sure as the moon will set , that day too,
As sure as I will wake in morning
I will be sure to think of you .


5 years ago I had the honour,
To hold you in my arms .
5 years ago I said goodbye,
With that you took my heart .

So I lay here little angel,
With tears of gratitude and joy.
Forever thankful for having held you once
My angel baby boy .

5 years ago

So this time five years ago we found out you were really ill ! I really struggle this time of year my boy ! Rehashing the events of that many years ago you'd think I'd be ok , over it ! This us something you never get over ! How do you forget a child you only held for a moment but should have been a lifetime ! This not the natural order if life . This is not the way it's meant to be .

But it is the way it is ! I'm here ! You are there and only you know how much I miss you ! Love you x thank you for all the signs x

Birthday gift from an angel with love x

Just one wish

The presents are open ,
The guest are gone.
The silence gives mummy a chance to wonder
What your smile would have been like on Christmas Day .

Would you have run to the tree,
Opened your gifts
Jumped on mummy and daddy's bed
Just like your brothers did .

Amongst all the Caos , laughter and joy
Mummy hopes you noticed I took a moment for you boy
So in the silence I miss you so ,
Wishing just one Christmas I could hold you close .

Just one .

 

Miss you more then words can say ! I love you and wish you were here with us this Christmas ! Thank you for being you and for always making your presence known . Mummy and daddy need that and love that . You are our angel and forever in our hearts and I know you will be around on Christmas day x love you

Mummy

Messages from the other side

They say that the connection between a Parent and child is eternal and has no boundaries . These words a words I hoped were true when Michael passed on . I wanted to believe that even though Michael and I were not together on this earthly dimension , that at a soul level we would always be able to connect .

I myself have had personal verification that Michael is OK and that he is around ,via the appearance of the blue wren and also several unexplained events around the home ,however the main connection with him has been though mediums .I have been to a medium several times ,and without fail Michael will always make his presence known. His energy his strong and his ability to come through amazingly intense .

But last night to my surprise I was given verification yet again that he is in fact with us through a series of events and syncroninties that only a special spirit could orchestrate to let his mummy and daddy  know he is OK.

And here is how the story goes

A dear friend of ours and a very special person in my husbands life  decided he would go and see a medium . Our friend , to be honest is the last person I would have expected to go see a medium however I was pleasantly surprised that he was in fact open to this .However curiosity and stories from his family members regarding the accuracy of this particular medium led him to make booking to see her well over 12 months ago . This is not the same medium who I have gone to for my readings .

So almost 12 months later the medium calls him and offers him a reading. Of he went with expectation of who he wanted to hear  from to validate the reading .

As the reading progressed several of his family members came through all with uncanny validation that no one unless close to the family would have known , however towards the end of the reading several of our family members decided to make an appearance. Initially Vince's Mum came through , revealing her name however our friend did not make the connection given that he was there for his own reading and only expected his family members to 'pop' in . Then Vince's Dad tried to make himself known revealing his initial and the fact that he died from stomach cancer quite suddenly but still our friend could not get the connection to him and then the medium asked him

'Do you know an Angel Michael?'

Well with this comment our dear friends doubts, if he still had any, simply washed away as he revealed to her that this was in fact his good mates baby. In his own words the hairs on his body where standing on end as she progressed to tell him that Michael loved the blanket that we wrapped him in ( I had wrapped in in a very special blanket which i used for all my boys) . He also went on to tell her that He often plays with his sister Evangeline (which we have witnessed first hand) and that he in fact looks allot like Evangeline. He Mentioned to the medium that he reveals himself as a 'small bird or a sparrow' which our dear friend verified as being the blue wren. He told us that he is with his grandfather Giovanni in particular and he is well taken care of . He also told us that he loved his tomb stone and everything we put on it for him .

The medium comments to our friend that she was very surprised being a baby that he was able to come through given that there were so many of  HIS friends family members trying to make a connection and all with very strong personalities .

Our friend came over yesterday to share the story with us and with tears in my eyes I went to sleep comforted yet again that my baby is OK , in fact around us and being taken care of in heaven by his loving grandparents.

This was not enough for my boy and went on today to ensure we totally understood that he is around.

Our friends cousin also got a reading with this particular medium today . I'm not sure if she knows our story but we are in no way related and really have no connection other then our friends so I was extremely shocked to hear that Michael decided to also make an appearance in her reading also . The Medium asked her if she had a family member come and see her early this week , The cousin said yes . The medium progressed to tell her that Michael was here again and that he wanted her to tell our friend that he was comforting his parents last night when our friend was telling us about his reading '

How special is that and amazing . I am blown away at the lengths my little man will go to and I am so fortunate that he has the energy to make him self known and to let me know he is good.

I cannot tell you as a mother with a permanent ache in her heart for the child I could not raise how blessed I feel right now . I have had to accept the circumstances of Michael's death and the fact that I was not to nurture him however to have this connection I feel a deep sense of gratitude that I cannot explain in words .

I am soooooo blessed .

We are also blessed to also have special friends that take the time to let us know the messages and share in this journey with us .

My baby is around and if there was any doubt ever that he is in fact a VERY big part of our family on a daily basis , there is definitely no doubt now .

I have gone on to make an appointment with this medium who is booked 6mths ahead of time so I cannot wait to get my reading but in the meantime I will hold onto these cherished moments forever

Thank you J x

Rita

How Far I have come

I haven't written in my blog for a while but tonight a feel compelled to write . Perhaps its the fact that Oct 15th was Remembrance day for all the babies/infants that are no longer with us. I have been thinking about Michael a great deal . I guess It goes without saying that not a day goes by where I don't miss my little boy. He is here with me and makes his presence known in many forms. But  I can honestly say that I am at peace with the events that happened almost five years ago . These events made me who I am today and has lead me to a path to finally honour who I truly arm.

I have recently started my Own business called 'Radiant healing' which has brought me back to the person  I was before I said goodbye to my gorgeous boy . This has put me in a position to do what it is that I love doing . What comes naturally to me. Had it not been for my spirituality prior to loosing Michael , I don't think I would have coped as well as I could have. But today I stand before you a loving , strong , renewed women who again is going forward with her spirituality in tact yet knowing who I am , what I stand for and my core values . I owe this to my son . I am who I am and honour who I am as a Divine child of the light here to help in anyway that I can. This is an aspect of my self that denied for so long . An aspect I was afraid to reveal for fear of judgement . But to have a child like Michael and to reveal to the world the circumstances of his death  I have opened my self to the worst possible judgement a parent would ever have to endure and I survived . Why? Because I know in my heart of hearts that  I did what was best for my child and what was best for my family and as a result I have been gifted with the strength to stand true to who I am and what it is  I love to do .

I owe this t o my little boy, who I know has touched the lives of so many with only a few short moments on this earth .

I am in awe of my angel and what he stands for and how he has helped me become the person I am today . And I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I honour me and how far Ive come

This photo captures  far I ve come in a way no words can desecribe

Tonight It felt right to show the world my little man x my boy who I love so much and proud to be his mummy. Hope you dont mind me sharing

Love to all

Rita

Mothers day

A mother is a mother in so many ways ! There are mothers who have there children with them . There are those who have older children . There are grand mothers in their glory days enjoying their time with their grand children ! There are those mothers for some reason have had to let go . There are mothers that are grieving their children who have crossed over and there are mothers that are nurturing both their living children and their children who have passed on ! There are those women who long to be mothers , grieving the child they never had . THe brave mothers who have had to nurse an unwell child back to health or the mother praying for their child on the frontline ! there are mothers who have lost their lives to become a mother or mothers who themselves have passed over watching over their children from above . So many stories yet so many ways to be a mother .

I have had the honor of meeting so many mothers ! And witnessed their amazing journeys ! Some with happy endings ! Some with tragic outcomes and some stories resulting in the best possible senario . But one thing in common we all have as mothers is the unconditional love we have for our children .

So to my mum and all the mothers out the there ! Happy mothers day . I honor you and admire you all. It is the toughest job in the world yet by far the most rewarding !

And to my children , my life who have allowed me the honour to be their mother ! Thank you for choosing me ! I love you all xx

Happy Easter to my angel xxx

Love you sweet boy

Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly !

A special visit from my baby 21/2/2012

It never ceases to amaze me that my baby boy does show himself when least expected yet when I need it most. I love that we have this connection . This is definitely not a bird that I see all the time so when I do see the blue wren it means so Much. I thank my friend Jenny so much for this connection and allowing me to know of this bird and that its Michaels way of connecting .

I love you Michael x

Which Path ?

Healing has been a long process and I am so proud that I have come along way since the early days but there are still some residual issues that hang around and every now and again get stirred up usually depending on what is going on in my other children's lives.

Currently Nicholas has began lessons at school regarding the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to firstly state that I have christened all my children catholic and intended to support them in their journey as a catholic until such time as they are old enough to make up their own mind. But for my self I am struggling every day with being catholic. I believe with the fundamentals of the christian faith , believe in god , and Jesus being the son of god and even in his mother the blessed Mary , but its their stance on many moral issues and their inability to change with the times that I struggle with.

The decision to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was something that was not made lightly and something that I never dreamed I would have to make. I never dreamed in a million years that a parent would ever have to make the decision to end the life of a child they loved and wanted so dearly from the moment he was conceived. It really goes to show how naive i was back then. I took my previous pregnancies for granted and assumed a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy was a given.

So when I was faced with this decision you could imagine how this sent me into a tail spin as  I felt my world and all the fundamental beliefs that i developed over the previous 33 yrs and been shattered .I was afraid to speak to a priest for fear of judgement as I knew on a spiritual level what I needed to do. I did not want my son to suffer a day more then he had to and when the diagnosis came that he has Trisomy 18 and he were incompatible with life. I knew that setting him free was the most humane thing I could do . My life was to be hard either way. If Michael had lived I would have had to watch him suffer , watch him not being able to breath , not being able to eat , to speak to walk , to talk . And what would this have done to Giovanni and Nicholas. Yet if Michael had to die , I would have to live with the fact that it was my decision to let him go , I would be living without him ,grieving him, missing him . Either way for me it was to be hard .

Prior to making the decision with Vince , I did post on many forums searching for advice and opinions on what other families had experienced. I was bombarded by Christians preaching that this was not the way of god and that despite doctors advice for my own well being that i should continue with the pregnancy. This started to mess with my head and I new i had to get off line and make this decision independent of religion.

And so I did.

Admittedly I never sat down and discussed this with a catholic priest but knowing the Catholic stance on abortion I decided to not do so a i was very vulnerable at the time and mentally fragile. But since then I felt slightly hypocritical being catholic . Supporting a religion who's fundamental principles went against something so close to my heart. I even contemplated repenting , going to reconciliation . But how do I say sorry for something that was done out of mercy?. Mercy for my child. And would god want to see me allow my child to suffer? I don't know such a god !

So here I am 37 years old and confused about religion. To me religion is a path. And for many people , a path is needed . A way to connect with their god . But I am starting to feel that there is not one path that suits all and I guess this is why their are many religions/paths in the world.

For me (and only me) I am  starting to recognise more and more each day that god is inside of me and the path to god for me is to go within. I no longer need to look for an external source to follow god. God is in my heart and in my being , in every breath i take and the eyes of my children. My relationship with god is just that ....MY relationship with god and the older I get the more I am starting to realise that its OK for me to have that on my own.

I was fortunate enough to stumble across the following article and this has helped me to clarify a lot of what I was feeling .

http://www.aheartbreakingchoice.com/Spirituality/CatholicDoctrine.aspx

Hope this helps anyone else that my have to make this decision.

I know this is a sensitive subject and I have written this to help me sort my own feelings out. Am I saying I am not a catholic anymore. I am not sure but for the time being and whilst I am on this journey called life and even trying to re establish my own fundamental beleifs , i am content knowing that god is with in me. x

Love and Light

Rita