TODAY!

Life is so precious but no matter how much life throws at you and how overwhelming your life experiences are ....we all continue with our day to day and take it for granted .I guess that's what makes us human ! We get caught up in the process you call life and just don't realise that moment... that very second could be your last . Or when you caught a  glimps of something/someone...   that would be the last time you ever saw them in that way ! The next time you see them the story may be different !

This day the 6th of December reminds me how precious life is and how quickly what you expect to happen may just never happen and how something else ...another story may be the out come and sometimes the story does not always have a fairy tale ending.

This story began six yrs ago . On the 3rd of December 2004 . I decided to hold a lunch for my girlfriend Sharene who was expecting her second child. Sharene was to be induced on the Monday so we thought we would get together to celebrate the coming of her second child . I was very excited for Sharene .  I too had recently had my second child and looked forward to sharing that experience with her . I 'd invited some of our dearest friends and we had a really nice after noon . Being towards the end of her pregnancy Sharene did look really tired so after a nice lunch, to decided to gather Riley her eldest son and head on home . She started getting Riley into the car and was about to get into the seat and i called out to her "Sharene I didnt give you a kiss" ..She smiled at me and said don't worry I'll see you ..And I said yes I'll see you on Monday. I let her go with out giving her  hug and kiss and that is something I will regret forever.

She was on my mind quite a bit over the weekend. The one thing I do remember about her pregnancy was that she was quite apprehensive.  She was nervous and told me that on several occasions. On the Sunday evening I had this urge to call her but time got away from me and with two demanding babies by the time I got around to making the call it was too late . Again I thought I'll speak to her tomorrow. I whilst tomorrow came that conversation never did!

She was to be induced early Monday morning ! So I didn't expect to hear from her till late after noon but as time went by and the phone didn't ring .I did start to worry but thought that her labour just went longer then expected !But as Tuesday morning dawned and still no messages or phone call I thought Id make a call.

I called Sharenes phone . No Answer . I called her husbands phone No answer and after several attempts I decided to call the hospital who had informed me she was in ICU but could not give me any details. I was instantly alarmed and left a message for David to call me.

David finally called me back and to my horror explained that things had gone horribly wrong and both Sharene and her precious baby luke where in a critical condition and he wasn't sure if either would make it. He explained that Sharene had suffered an amniotic fluid embolism and as a result was in a critical condition as was her beautiful boy Luke. After a long battle and a strong fight Luke passed on the 21st of December and Sharene made her journey home on the 31st .That month my life changed forever and I learnt the value of life and how precious it is and how ..with no notice at all your life could change forever. I miss you Sharene and I know we will see each other again but in the mean time I hope you have eternal happiness with your precious baby Luke and I know My boy Michael is in your care until I can hold him.

Today I also learnt of another family that has suffered a tragedy with a severe injury of their baby boy who was accidentally run over by a lawnmower and consequently lost a limb. My heart aches for this family and my thoughts and prayers are with them. Being a mother and even a mother that has a baby on the other side . I Still take may children for granted . Why do I do that. I know how precious they are yet I still get caught up in my day to day ....and today yet again I am reminded how fortunate and blessed I am to have my four children. And whilst I'm not here to pretend that I am anything but human or don't have flaws of my own I am going to try and not disregard any of the precious moments I have with my children .I am going to try and remember the lesson TODAY has taught me . The valuable lesson on the mortality of life .

Nicholas' Touch: Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice

Nicholas' Touch: Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice: "This is an article featured in one of my bereavement newsletters. Hit home... Incompatible with Life: An Impossible Choice When an expect..."

October 15th Remembering our Angels

October 15th is a day in honour of all the babies who have had there life cut short ..Whether it be through ill birth , termination , SIDS ,Illness. Those that never made it here,or where only here a little while. It is amazing watching people unite to honour our precious Angel. At 7pm I lit Michael's candle in is honour. Remembering my precious Angel goes with out saying but what hurts the most is the memories are limited. Memories are something you build in time. All the special moments , smiles , milestones that we are meant to share with our children are lost for ever . I was very heavy hearted that day but knew he was around. He was close bye .But just for once ..just one time , one moment even one second i so wish I could hold him again . Give him a kiss and not feel this heavy hearted ache.

But as time goes on I am starting to raise i need to say good bye again

I have said goodbye to my little boy so many times but am starting to want to let go of this grief ..Its time to move forward ..to live life and not be all consumed by death an grief. I feel a little guilty wanting that, But now this is a part of who i am now! .Sometimes I just don't want this identify ..this person who has a dead child..i want to remember life before this grief ..

I want to be happy .Can a mother ever truly be happy when a big part of her is not with her? Yes they say ..he is with you...he is always with you and yes I get that .he is in my heart forever ..But he is not here! here in present ..not here to hold , to play to walk to talk to eat to celebrate his birthday with ..to celebrate my birthday with.He is not here!

Life is just really crazy at the moment ..So much happening so much going on ..I'm grateful that i got to pause even for a minute on October 15 to once again honour my son. But now it is time to honour me and this one shot at life that i have ...i only have one chance ,on life to be happy and I am total pursuit ..i want happiness and its something i deserve. No more grief (haha famous last words) only happiness...

Blue Wren

I once went to a medium over a yr ago now and she told me that Michael would appear to me as a Bird ..She was quite specific in the bird she was refering to and described it as an Australian bird called ".a Blue something " .She wasnt quite sure of the exact name . I always wanted to know what this bird was called and one day when on the phone to a friend she told me that a blue wren comes to visit her often. I thought thats it ..It must have been a Blue Wren she was refering to . For over a year I have looked out for this bird which has a quite distinct blue patch on it and the funny thing is only the MALES of this type of bird are blue. I could see that my gorgeous boy had put a lot of thought to this! Despite my efforts I have never ever seen this bird ..although I desperatly wanted this confirmation . And then the other day , when I least expected it whilst looking out the kitchen window at my sisters house in Kellyville there appeared a BLUE WREN ! I was totally caught off guard however a sense of calmness came over me as I knew there was Michael . There was my confirmation ! I was so happy . The bird danced along the fence for a little while before it flew away. I was in complete awe of this gorgeous bird

Michael has a funny way of showing him self to me when I really need him . Thanks you Michael! Mummy really needed that and I hope to see you again very soon xxxx

Thank you Carly for two gorgeous prints xxx

Michaels New look blog

I really felt like i needed to do something for my boy today so I gave him a new look blog ...Im not very technical at all but dont mind the look of it ! Really missing him today ..Not sure what stirred up these feelings but I guess its one of those things and you really dont need a reason...it just is ...The hole in your heart never heals but sometimes it seams to be more open and torn then other times ..I know grief to well and know to just go with it and let it be . Tomorrows a new day !

Sail the wildest stretch

I was looking at Evangeline today and thought to my self ..wow i must have done something right. As I sat outside with her enjoying the gorgeous winter sun I could not help but be in awe of her beauty. I know i am the biased mum but she is so precious and gorgeous. A combination of my sons features she is just perfection and i love her so much. Then my thoughts turned to Michael..My angel baby who to me was also perfection even though he had missing fingers and toes and pyhsically his body was far from perfect.I looked at him the same way . A MOTHERS LOVE ...So unconditional , so powerful and so intense that we can look beyond the pyhsical aspect or definitions of reality to see true inner beauty.

Evangeline is nearly 7 months and boy has the time flown bye . I am so gratful for the chance to have a healthy baby again and so overwhelmed with pride and happiness that i thank god for her and giovanni and nikki everyday. I cant say i felt this intense gratiude with my first 2 babies. Not because i didnt love them or I wasnt happy to have them but until you loose a child ..I dont think you can really appreciate the true gift it is to have a child. This is all because of Michael ..All because i had to let go the most precious thing to me ..a child ...that i will never take my living children for granted.WHAT A GIFT and a blessing.

Powderfingers song ..Sail the wildest stretch ..so rings true to me ..If you had your time over again ...would you do it all the same ...around all the twist and bends ............the answer is yes ..I wouldnt change a thing ..Life has at times been a challenge and sometimes hard and disapoointing but i would not change a thing ...NEVER ..

Evangelines Chirstening and mothers day

Been very busy lately preparing for Evangeline's Christening . It was a day that meant a lot to me ..to be able to organise this for her was so special . I didn't get to do this for Michael so I think I tried to make it all the more special for Eva .

One time a medium who i see told me that Evangeline will see Michael as a butterfly ..So symbolic I thought ..A Butterfly symbolising hope for the future ..Displaying that after something so pleasant in many ways comes something so beautiful. I gift from heaven ..perfect in every way .

So with this the theme of Evangeline's Christening was butterflies ..in honour of her brother ..Her angel brother who from his story , his loss of life came his little sister . Our beautiful angel Evangeline.

The week leading up to the Christening was a little hectic but thankfully her day was so magical. She looked like a little princess in her gown her godparents bought for her and everything went without a glitch. Everyone had a lovely time and you could tell that everyone was so happy for us and the feeling of love and gratitude we got from our guest was amazing .

Mothers day then followed which didnt seem to be any less painful then the other years...even though this would be my third without Michael. I could tell some people just didn't get why I felt so upset ..given that I have Evangeline here with me this year...but as I tried to explain..I gave birth to four children and one is forever not going to celebrate that day with me ..and whilst he plays such a big part in our family and there is not a day that goes bye that he does not enter my head ...I struggle knowing how to be a mum to an angel and sometimes feel guilty that i am not doing enough or that I have not thought of him enough that day ...

I know it will get easier with time but for the moment I really don't look forward to mothers day. But having said that the boys together with Eva made me feel so lucky and special on the day and for that i am grateful.

Happy 2nd birthday Michael

During the lead up to Michaels Birthday again I could nothelp relive the days leading up to the day we let Michael go. Australia day reminded me of the heartache we felt during the wait for Michaels results and memories of what was such a traumatic time started to play havic with my emotions.

But Thursday last week Michaels plant which a dear friend gave me began to flower and not one flower but 2 which I beleive it was Michaels way of telling me in the lead up to his second birthday ..that he was ok. We were all so excited to see the Little Gem Magnolia flower for the first time.

Today was my babies 2nd birthday . Mum and dad went to the cemetary and spent about and hr with our son. Evangeline came with us but the boys went to school. With the rain I shed tears for my son but at the same time realised he was in a better place. Whilst I miss him everyday I know that he is having a better life then he ever would have on this earth. And for this very reason I have to be happy for him.

I think of what he would have looked like as a two year old . Probably a combination of Giovanni and Nicholas..Although he looked alot like Nicholas when he was born. Sometimes I stare at Evangeline when she is sleeping and I see so much resembalance to Michael.

Tonite with the boys we shall celebrate Michaels big day with a cake and let 6 balloons to the heavens ..one for every member of our family .

This time of year never gets easier.

Happy birthdayu sweet angel . Mum loves you forever . As you play amongst the angel in heaven think of Mummy , Daddy , Giovanni and Nicholas and Evangeline xxx