Sail the wildest stretch

I was looking at Evangeline today and thought to my self ..wow i must have done something right. As I sat outside with her enjoying the gorgeous winter sun I could not help but be in awe of her beauty. I know i am the biased mum but she is so precious and gorgeous. A combination of my sons features she is just perfection and i love her so much. Then my thoughts turned to Michael..My angel baby who to me was also perfection even though he had missing fingers and toes and pyhsically his body was far from perfect.I looked at him the same way . A MOTHERS LOVE ...So unconditional , so powerful and so intense that we can look beyond the pyhsical aspect or definitions of reality to see true inner beauty.

Evangeline is nearly 7 months and boy has the time flown bye . I am so gratful for the chance to have a healthy baby again and so overwhelmed with pride and happiness that i thank god for her and giovanni and nikki everyday. I cant say i felt this intense gratiude with my first 2 babies. Not because i didnt love them or I wasnt happy to have them but until you loose a child ..I dont think you can really appreciate the true gift it is to have a child. This is all because of Michael ..All because i had to let go the most precious thing to me ..a child ...that i will never take my living children for granted.WHAT A GIFT and a blessing.

Powderfingers song ..Sail the wildest stretch ..so rings true to me ..If you had your time over again ...would you do it all the same ...around all the twist and bends ............the answer is yes ..I wouldnt change a thing ..Life has at times been a challenge and sometimes hard and disapoointing but i would not change a thing ...NEVER ..

Evangelines Chirstening and mothers day

Been very busy lately preparing for Evangeline's Christening . It was a day that meant a lot to me ..to be able to organise this for her was so special . I didn't get to do this for Michael so I think I tried to make it all the more special for Eva .

One time a medium who i see told me that Evangeline will see Michael as a butterfly ..So symbolic I thought ..A Butterfly symbolising hope for the future ..Displaying that after something so pleasant in many ways comes something so beautiful. I gift from heaven ..perfect in every way .

So with this the theme of Evangeline's Christening was butterflies ..in honour of her brother ..Her angel brother who from his story , his loss of life came his little sister . Our beautiful angel Evangeline.

The week leading up to the Christening was a little hectic but thankfully her day was so magical. She looked like a little princess in her gown her godparents bought for her and everything went without a glitch. Everyone had a lovely time and you could tell that everyone was so happy for us and the feeling of love and gratitude we got from our guest was amazing .

Mothers day then followed which didnt seem to be any less painful then the other years...even though this would be my third without Michael. I could tell some people just didn't get why I felt so upset ..given that I have Evangeline here with me this year...but as I tried to explain..I gave birth to four children and one is forever not going to celebrate that day with me ..and whilst he plays such a big part in our family and there is not a day that goes bye that he does not enter my head ...I struggle knowing how to be a mum to an angel and sometimes feel guilty that i am not doing enough or that I have not thought of him enough that day ...

I know it will get easier with time but for the moment I really don't look forward to mothers day. But having said that the boys together with Eva made me feel so lucky and special on the day and for that i am grateful.

Happy 2nd birthday Michael

During the lead up to Michaels Birthday again I could nothelp relive the days leading up to the day we let Michael go. Australia day reminded me of the heartache we felt during the wait for Michaels results and memories of what was such a traumatic time started to play havic with my emotions.

But Thursday last week Michaels plant which a dear friend gave me began to flower and not one flower but 2 which I beleive it was Michaels way of telling me in the lead up to his second birthday ..that he was ok. We were all so excited to see the Little Gem Magnolia flower for the first time.

Today was my babies 2nd birthday . Mum and dad went to the cemetary and spent about and hr with our son. Evangeline came with us but the boys went to school. With the rain I shed tears for my son but at the same time realised he was in a better place. Whilst I miss him everyday I know that he is having a better life then he ever would have on this earth. And for this very reason I have to be happy for him.

I think of what he would have looked like as a two year old . Probably a combination of Giovanni and Nicholas..Although he looked alot like Nicholas when he was born. Sometimes I stare at Evangeline when she is sleeping and I see so much resembalance to Michael.

Tonite with the boys we shall celebrate Michaels big day with a cake and let 6 balloons to the heavens ..one for every member of our family .

This time of year never gets easier.

Happy birthdayu sweet angel . Mum loves you forever . As you play amongst the angel in heaven think of Mummy , Daddy , Giovanni and Nicholas and Evangeline xxx