Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Boy

As time passes so quickly you would think that this time of year would get easier. But the memories and the intensity of the expereince even four years on , are still very real . But I have to say even though the memories of Michael are minimal in terms of time that we had with him , over the last four years we have had so much confirmation that he is in fact around us and constantly watching over us .

I often wonder what Michael would look like as a four year old . He looked alot like my second son Nicholas ,so I picture him to be playful ,with dark hair and full life and whilst if he where here with us he would not have had that life , I know with my entire being that in heaven were ever that may be ...that is how he is . Just like his brothers . Kicking the ball , being cheeky , rumbling with all his angel friends . Thats how I like to picture my boy and thats how he appears in my dreams .

And just like my other Children , I am so proud of him . I often wonder how such a small beautiful soul that never walked this earth ..never left a foot print in the sand could touch so many hearts and leave a mark on so many lives . In particular his Mummy .

I know I have said this before but I am so blessed to have held you in my arms Michael . So honoured to have given birth to you and so proud to call you my son. You have tought mummy so much and with the help of your spirit I have become a better person . Mummy wishes every day that i could hold you one more time . Touch you physically . Spend a day with you ...watch you blow out your candles but our connection was to be on a different level my boy ...and for this I am enternally grateful .

So as your birthday approaches and mummy remembers the emotions I was feeling 4 years ago like it was yesterday ..one thing is different . Today I smile . I smile for all the blessing you have given me and this is far more intense then the grief I felt four years ago .

Happy birthday sweet boy ! I love you and Miss you every day xxx  Mummy

This is a poem i wrote Michaels first xmas in heaven . The emotions are still the same but the pain a little easier. If I had a xmas wish is would be that he br here with us on earth for just one day . We miss you little boy and love you always ! Merry Merry Xmas

-


Michael this Christmas was to be your first

And my heart aches for you.

I have your precious brothers with me

But I am incomplete without you



A time of Miracles, a time for Joy

But I cannot see …

beyond the fact, and the hard cold truth

I will not have my baby boy with me



Everyone expects mummy to be ok

“you need to be for your other children’s sake”

But my heart is so empty, I miss you so much

I wish you were here when I wake



In spirit you are with us

They all say

But I will not hold you , see you

This christmas day .



Rita

Its been a while since ive written on here and with my sons fourth birthday looming and the energy of 2012, the last two weeks i have been somewhat reflective on the events and lessons of the last four years.

If Michael has taught me anything , its the fact that life is too short and that as the days seem to go quicker and the years appear to be shorter , the more and more I realise that  I owe it to my precious boy to honour my life and the little time I have here .

Something has come over me and I have completely realised that its time to be true to myself and to be true to who I am an what I want from life.

I think we spend so much of our lives trying to please , trying to be something that we are not , for the sake of people liking you and perhaps for the sake of 'peace' . But when you are not at peace in side , when your inner world is in complete turmoil , how do you continue to justify living a life that is not real ....

Life is too short to fight these inner battles.

I owe it to me , Michael and my beautiful family to be true to myself and although I am about to make a decision yet again that has not been made lightly , I have survived having to make the toughest decision a parent would have to make . So this decision in comparison to having to say good bye to my beautiful boy is really insignificant.

So I have decided to be done with the drama .Done with not being me. Done with trying to please others at the expense of myself respect and moving forward from here , i will find peace for being me.

2012 is the end ..Not the end of the world but the end of life as I know it ! The end of the games , drama and toxic people who create it . Time to be free .