Sunday, March 1, 2009

How do you forgive?

I have read so many self help books and spiritual books . All talk about Anger and resentment as being very toxic for our body and soul . They talk of forgiveness as something we need to do for ourselves . They define forgiveness as not about condoning the situation or the behaviour of the person that has wronged us but being strong enough to let the situation go so as not to carry these toxic emotions in our heart. Ordinarily I resonate with this thought and their hasn't been many situations or things that I have not been able to forgive . I truly believe that most people have good intentions but perhaps are caught up in their own lives or misguided. But How do you forgive the evil that chose to damage your babies grave.

It was a late Saturday afternoon. when my family and I decided to go to the cemetery to to see my son. We chose to bury him at this particular cemetery as my husbands parents are buried there and whilst it is a good 30-40minute drive we thought it would be a nice for Michael to be with his grandparents . Family often go there also to visit Vince's parents so we knew he would be visited and taken care of .

We try and get there fortnightly as I love his grave having fresh flowers .Although I know Michael is not there , I always found his grave site as a sacred place and somewhere tangible where I can go and just be . This particular November afternoon I was mortified when I arrived to find the head of an angel I had on his grave decapitated and the carnations which were placed there a week prior also with the heads of the flower snipped off neatly with only the stems remaining in the vase.

We looked around for any damage to other graves but Michael's was the only one damaged and Vince and I concluded that the attempt was very deliberate and targeted.

I was so devastated . I totally cannot out explain how mortified and gutted I felt . I cried hysterically as I cleaned the grave site and disposed of the broken angels and stems. I could not understand why someone would target my baby like this and his grave site and I could not fathom that such evil existed. This is an innocent child who never hurt anyone and someone felt the need to go to this level. It angered me that my baby was there and although I later realised that whoever did this was trying to rattle me an that they could never hurt my baby who is safe in the arms of god ...well it still hurt hurt like hell ...and an act of hell it was ..It could only be pure evil .

This happened over 3 months ago now but I STILL am struggling to forgive . I'm hoping by writing this that it may be a release and the first step to letting it go fully . Sometimes I am forgiving but I find emotions are stirred up when I go to the cemetery as I am now frightened as too what I am going to find.
We are good people and will trust that good will prevail. What has happened has strengthened us even further. It is yet another chapter/challenge in my life. I know logically that no-one can hurt my baby who is precious and pure and in that I find comfort . I have also found comfort in knowing he is around me every day and its only his physical body that did not serve him at the cemetery .

The person that did this has a greater challenge and is clearly unwell and mentally unstable so from that aspect I sympathise and I know in time that I will come to forgive the person for my sake. It will just take time. A grieving father and mother should never have to face such further devastation but I am grateful that I now know the capabilities and the lengths of instability I am dealing with and from that point of view I will be able to protect my family.