Sunday, February 19, 2012

Which Path ?

Healing has been a long process and I am so proud that I have come along way since the early days but there are still some residual issues that hang around and every now and again get stirred up usually depending on what is going on in my other children's lives.

Currently Nicholas has began lessons at school regarding the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to firstly state that I have christened all my children catholic and intended to support them in their journey as a catholic until such time as they are old enough to make up their own mind. But for my self I am struggling every day with being catholic. I believe with the fundamentals of the christian faith , believe in god , and Jesus being the son of god and even in his mother the blessed Mary , but its their stance on many moral issues and their inability to change with the times that I struggle with.

The decision to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was something that was not made lightly and something that I never dreamed I would have to make. I never dreamed in a million years that a parent would ever have to make the decision to end the life of a child they loved and wanted so dearly from the moment he was conceived. It really goes to show how naive i was back then. I took my previous pregnancies for granted and assumed a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy was a given.

So when I was faced with this decision you could imagine how this sent me into a tail spin as  I felt my world and all the fundamental beliefs that i developed over the previous 33 yrs and been shattered .I was afraid to speak to a priest for fear of judgement as I knew on a spiritual level what I needed to do. I did not want my son to suffer a day more then he had to and when the diagnosis came that he has Trisomy 18 and he were incompatible with life. I knew that setting him free was the most humane thing I could do . My life was to be hard either way. If Michael had lived I would have had to watch him suffer , watch him not being able to breath , not being able to eat , to speak to walk , to talk . And what would this have done to Giovanni and Nicholas. Yet if Michael had to die , I would have to live with the fact that it was my decision to let him go , I would be living without him ,grieving him, missing him . Either way for me it was to be hard .

Prior to making the decision with Vince , I did post on many forums searching for advice and opinions on what other families had experienced. I was bombarded by Christians preaching that this was not the way of god and that despite doctors advice for my own well being that i should continue with the pregnancy. This started to mess with my head and I new i had to get off line and make this decision independent of religion.

And so I did.

Admittedly I never sat down and discussed this with a catholic priest but knowing the Catholic stance on abortion I decided to not do so a i was very vulnerable at the time and mentally fragile. But since then I felt slightly hypocritical being catholic . Supporting a religion who's fundamental principles went against something so close to my heart. I even contemplated repenting , going to reconciliation . But how do I say sorry for something that was done out of mercy?. Mercy for my child. And would god want to see me allow my child to suffer? I don't know such a god !

So here I am 37 years old and confused about religion. To me religion is a path. And for many people , a path is needed . A way to connect with their god . But I am starting to feel that there is not one path that suits all and I guess this is why their are many religions/paths in the world.

For me (and only me) I am  starting to recognise more and more each day that god is inside of me and the path to god for me is to go within. I no longer need to look for an external source to follow god. God is in my heart and in my being , in every breath i take and the eyes of my children. My relationship with god is just that ....MY relationship with god and the older I get the more I am starting to realise that its OK for me to have that on my own.

I was fortunate enough to stumble across the following article and this has helped me to clarify a lot of what I was feeling .

Hope this helps anyone else that my have to make this decision.

I know this is a sensitive subject and I have written this to help me sort my own feelings out. Am I saying I am not a catholic anymore. I am not sure but for the time being and whilst I am on this journey called life and even trying to re establish my own fundamental beleifs , i am content knowing that god is with in me. x

Love and Light