Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly !

A special visit from my baby 21/2/2012

It never ceases to amaze me that my baby boy does show himself when least expected yet when I need it most. I love that we have this connection . This is definitely not a bird that I see all the time so when I do see the blue wren it means so Much. I thank my friend Jenny so much for this connection and allowing me to know of this bird and that its Michaels way of connecting .

I love you Michael x

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Which Path ?

Healing has been a long process and I am so proud that I have come along way since the early days but there are still some residual issues that hang around and every now and again get stirred up usually depending on what is going on in my other children's lives.

Currently Nicholas has began lessons at school regarding the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to firstly state that I have christened all my children catholic and intended to support them in their journey as a catholic until such time as they are old enough to make up their own mind. But for my self I am struggling every day with being catholic. I believe with the fundamentals of the christian faith , believe in god , and Jesus being the son of god and even in his mother the blessed Mary , but its their stance on many moral issues and their inability to change with the times that I struggle with.

The decision to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was something that was not made lightly and something that I never dreamed I would have to make. I never dreamed in a million years that a parent would ever have to make the decision to end the life of a child they loved and wanted so dearly from the moment he was conceived. It really goes to show how naive i was back then. I took my previous pregnancies for granted and assumed a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy was a given.

So when I was faced with this decision you could imagine how this sent me into a tail spin as  I felt my world and all the fundamental beliefs that i developed over the previous 33 yrs and been shattered .I was afraid to speak to a priest for fear of judgement as I knew on a spiritual level what I needed to do. I did not want my son to suffer a day more then he had to and when the diagnosis came that he has Trisomy 18 and he were incompatible with life. I knew that setting him free was the most humane thing I could do . My life was to be hard either way. If Michael had lived I would have had to watch him suffer , watch him not being able to breath , not being able to eat , to speak to walk , to talk . And what would this have done to Giovanni and Nicholas. Yet if Michael had to die , I would have to live with the fact that it was my decision to let him go , I would be living without him ,grieving him, missing him . Either way for me it was to be hard .

Prior to making the decision with Vince , I did post on many forums searching for advice and opinions on what other families had experienced. I was bombarded by Christians preaching that this was not the way of god and that despite doctors advice for my own well being that i should continue with the pregnancy. This started to mess with my head and I new i had to get off line and make this decision independent of religion.

And so I did.

Admittedly I never sat down and discussed this with a catholic priest but knowing the Catholic stance on abortion I decided to not do so a i was very vulnerable at the time and mentally fragile. But since then I felt slightly hypocritical being catholic . Supporting a religion who's fundamental principles went against something so close to my heart. I even contemplated repenting , going to reconciliation . But how do I say sorry for something that was done out of mercy?. Mercy for my child. And would god want to see me allow my child to suffer? I don't know such a god !

So here I am 37 years old and confused about religion. To me religion is a path. And for many people , a path is needed . A way to connect with their god . But I am starting to feel that there is not one path that suits all and I guess this is why their are many religions/paths in the world.

For me (and only me) I am  starting to recognise more and more each day that god is inside of me and the path to god for me is to go within. I no longer need to look for an external source to follow god. God is in my heart and in my being , in every breath i take and the eyes of my children. My relationship with god is just that ....MY relationship with god and the older I get the more I am starting to realise that its OK for me to have that on my own.

I was fortunate enough to stumble across the following article and this has helped me to clarify a lot of what I was feeling .

Hope this helps anyone else that my have to make this decision.

I know this is a sensitive subject and I have written this to help me sort my own feelings out. Am I saying I am not a catholic anymore. I am not sure but for the time being and whilst I am on this journey called life and even trying to re establish my own fundamental beleifs , i am content knowing that god is with in me. x

Love and Light


Thursday, February 9, 2012

The lead up to Michael's Birthday was a bit like the weather really ....crap!

Why is it the the lead up to anniversaries , birthdays or other milestones So hard. For me I suppose its the reminiscing of the events leading up to Michael's birth . I really don't like living in the past and the now is a place were I am at my best . As soon as  I start reliving the past or worrying about what the future may hold , I do feel a certain level of anxiety. But when your in the moment and you are taking in the beauty of your child's smile or the intense colour of that pretty pink flower.. that is what is real . That is the only moment in time you have control of and the only event you can change. The current moment .

But knowing all this I guess its our humanity that allows our mind to go back to the events of the past or why we are all so curious to what our future may hold . And I guess this is why for grieving parents the lead up to your Angel babies birthday is always so intense.

In saying all this and with four years under my belt of grieving my baby boy which I'd like to think of these days more as celebrating my baby boy . I can honestly say that the actual day Is never that bad . Perhaps because for that day you are so focused on celebrating your child ...for that day you are in the NOW that it was actually a beautiful day .

The day began with the sun shining . After a week long of rain , we could not help but celebrating the vision of the suns gorgeous rays . Michael brought the sun out for us and for this reason we could play .

Giovanni , Nicholas and Evangeline helped me make his cupcake and brownie birthday cake. The boys in particular enjoyed licking the spoon  but Eva also got right in there helping to stir and contribute to the mess.Once Vince came home from work , we took the drive out to Rookwood with flowers and six balloons in hand. Upon arrival we tidied Michael's grave and in the mean time Eva managed to release 3 of the six balloons. We had a lovely peaceful afternoon at the cemetery , later taking a walk around the gardens and visiting Vince's Parents.





Last year for Michael's birthday my beautiful friend Keels from WA Sent Michael some gifts for his birthday. Amongst them was some sand from the children's Beach in WA Where Carly Marie takes photos of the Angel babies name in the sand . She also sent Michael some sea shells . Over the year I kept forgetting the sand at home when we went to the cemetery but finally for my babies 4th birthday , which felt so right we sprinkled the sand from The Children's beach over Michael's grave. This was very special and I felt very connected to my special friend in WA and her beautiful angel baby Tadgh x

Nicholas sprinkling the sand
 In the evening we invited Michael's grand parents and Auntie Cat over to help us eat Mitchael's cake . We had a lovely evening with family honouring Michael and to be honest.. I am not sure how long this will continue ..but for me as long as i shall live. I will promise to celebrate the life of a little boy who although was never here ,never set foot on this earth but made it long enough for mummy to cherish those few moments in my arms . Michael your are never ever forgotten , always in my heart . Happy Angel birthday sweet boy


I would also like to thank everyone who facebooked , messaged , rang , wrote poetry and sent gifts to Michael. It means so much to have him acknowledged. I cannot tell you how it warms my heart that those close to me take the time to remember Michael and read this blog .

This blog means so much to me . I feel like its a place I can write and dedicate to Michael .And in some ways helps me keep his memory alive and for this I am so grateful

Anna Karen the boys loved making Michael's Puzzle . And to Vivian , your poem was so beautiful . Thank you x

  • As you wake up in the morning 
    and Michael is not here to see, 
    you'll bake a cake & buy balloons, 
    you'll burn a candle too. 
    you'll imagine what the day would bring, 
    if only he weren't gone. 
    he'd run and laugh, and jump about, 
    you'd sing the birthday song. 
    He should be here today, 
    excited as can be... 
    Sifting through the toys and wrap, 
    bursting forth with glee... 
    But God had other plans for him
    these plans, you'll never know. 
    Today, the candle burns, 
    ...with no tiny lips to blow. 
    It's Michael's birthday number Four.....
    He will always be in your heart and thoughts
    Just as you will always be in my thoughts
    on this very precious day 


Friday, February 3, 2012

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Boy

As time passes so quickly you would think that this time of year would get easier. But the memories and the intensity of the expereince even four years on , are still very real . But I have to say even though the memories of Michael are minimal in terms of time that we had with him , over the last four years we have had so much confirmation that he is in fact around us and constantly watching over us .

I often wonder what Michael would look like as a four year old . He looked alot like my second son Nicholas ,so I picture him to be playful ,with dark hair and full life and whilst if he where here with us he would not have had that life , I know with my entire being that in heaven were ever that may be ...that is how he is . Just like his brothers . Kicking the ball , being cheeky , rumbling with all his angel friends . Thats how I like to picture my boy and thats how he appears in my dreams .

And just like my other Children , I am so proud of him . I often wonder how such a small beautiful soul that never walked this earth ..never left a foot print in the sand could touch so many hearts and leave a mark on so many lives . In particular his Mummy .

I know I have said this before but I am so blessed to have held you in my arms Michael . So honoured to have given birth to you and so proud to call you my son. You have tought mummy so much and with the help of your spirit I have become a better person . Mummy wishes every day that i could hold you one more time . Touch you physically . Spend a day with you you blow out your candles but our connection was to be on a different level my boy ...and for this I am enternally grateful .

So as your birthday approaches and mummy remembers the emotions I was feeling 4 years ago like it was yesterday thing is different . Today I smile . I smile for all the blessing you have given me and this is far more intense then the grief I felt four years ago .

Happy birthday sweet boy ! I love you and Miss you every day xxx  Mummy