Friday, February 27, 2009

Under the Tree

"So here's My response to our first gathering under the tree"

How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?

I have only been blogging since January. I was fortunate enough to find " The names in the Sand' blog created by beautiful Carly and reading her story gave me the inspiration to begin documenting my journey. Michael's birthday was fast approaching and all these thoughts were circling around in my head. Blogging gave me an outlet .Somewhere to document my thoughts and express my feelings in relation to my precious baby. I also want to eventually create a blog to document the lives and Journey of my two precious living Angels. This is on my to-do List. What I want for my writing is just to be able to share my story and perhaps be able to help/support mothers that have been through a similar situation so as to help them to know they are not alone.

Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?

One of the safest places I find that I can document my thoughts and feeling is on essential baby . There are a beautiful bunch of women who too have had to make the heartbreaking choice to interrupt their pregnancy. I feel I can share anything and even though we are from different place and walks of life , It has always been a safe non-judgments haven for me .

Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?

I haven't read any books on grief and the loss of a child but found all the Sids and Kids publications help . Currently I am reading a book by Eckart tolle called "A New Earth" and this has just helped me live more in the "now" and understand who I am.

How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?

I too was a young naive mother. Loosing my closest friends 4 yrs ago changed me significantly . I began a journey of self discovery and began to show and interest in energetic healing and feeling this need to help others. However I was still naive and somewhat selfish. I took my children for granted and didn't appreciate how absolutely precious they are until I lost Michael . I was also very self conscious and clouded with self doubts and even though my husband was always there for me I never truly believed he loved me 100%. But when Michael passed the gratitude I felt for my family is overwhelming. I appreciate everything my children do and even when they are being difficult, I love them more for it. I truly believe finally that my husband loves me unconditionally and have focus more on my own healing the last twelve months and becoming a better person. I also grew in terms of my own self love . I realised that if I could survive the last twelve months I can do anything . I have alot of respect for myself also.

How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?

I have my days. I sadly assumed that the 12 month anniversary was going to be some milestone that I would wake up feeling better on the other side. But I still have my days and still miss Michael like crazy . I think I need to accept that this feeling is a new kind of normal and this is how life will be. I am constantly thinking of TTC but am fearful of this happening all over again. I hope in twelve months that I perhaps have made the decision to have another child and be holding a precious gift. The thought of another child always makes me smile and this is how I know its right. I just need to try :-).

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Michaels First Heavenly Birthday

Well if you asked me how I was yesterday I would have said that I didn't think I could get through today but surprisingly we had a lovely day . I wanted to think of today as more of a celebration to honour such a special boy . I think this got me through

We woke up and spent the morning together as a family . Giovanni stayed home from school today and Vince also did not go to work. We made our way to the cemetery at about 10am , together with my mum.

When we got there and work men were around fixing up the turf on some other children's graves .I was a little disappointed as I really hoped for some quiet time with my boys but we persevered and tidyed up his grave and the had a cake and candle for him which the boys enjoyed blowing out . We sang "Happy Birthday" to our precious baby . We then took some photos and spent some time with Michael. The angels answered my prays because in the meantime the workmen disappeared .

The boys were a little sad. Nikki said to me " Mummy I wish Michael was home with us and you could feed him and change his nappy and we could pick him up" and Giovanni said "Mummy I wish he was coming home with us" . The grief at time is so difficult to deal but watching your babies grieve their little brother can be so heartbreaking . I wish sometimes I could take that pain away from them . They know "loss" at such a young age . Sometimes it just breaks my heart.

Michael we love you so Much . Hope you had a wonderful celebration in heaven with your Nonnu and Nonna Panuccio and dear friends Sharene and Luke ....I know you are in a special place and taken care of.