Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Its Ok to be Ok

Well a year on I am having more OK days than not . I think the thoughts of trying for another child has me looking forward to the future. That's what a child is . The future. Which is why loosing a baby is so hard. It loosing your hopes , your dreams , the plans you made for that child and the idea of what you thought your family would be . But I need to allow my self these OK days and not feel bad. God nows my family and I deserve it.

I do feel a female energy around me so not sure if this is child waiting to come through but I am so excited I almost want it yesterday.

Sometimes I do feel a little guilty that I am thinking of another baby. Michael will forever be my third child and no-one will ever replace that. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wish my son was here with me. But the thoughts of the future and perhaps another precious baby seem to soften the harsh reality that my baby boy will not be in my arms in this lifetime.

I guess its hope. Hope that all will be fine and despite this hole in my heart that I have now come to except will never heal....I do see some light.

The emotions of TTC are so intense . Very anxious yet very excited as I would expect the subsequent pregnancy to be. But I can do this . I can do this for me , for Michael and for my family.