Sunday, December 30, 2012

Just one wish

The presents are open ,
The guest are gone.
The silence gives mummy a chance to wonder
What your smile would have been like on Christmas Day .

Would you have run to the tree,
Opened your gifts
Jumped on mummy and daddy's bed
Just like your brothers did .

Amongst all the Caos , laughter and joy
Mummy hopes you noticed I took a moment for you boy
So in the silence I miss you so ,
Wishing just one Christmas I could hold you close .

Just one .

Friday, December 14, 2012

Miss you more then words can say ! I love you and wish you were here with us this Christmas ! Thank you for being you and for always making your presence known . Mummy and daddy need that and love that . You are our angel and forever in our hearts and I know you will be around on Christmas day x love you


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Messages from the other side

They say that the connection between a Parent and child is eternal and has no boundaries . These words a words I hoped were true when Michael passed on . I wanted to believe that even though Michael and I were not together on this earthly dimension , that at a soul level we would always be able to connect .

I myself have had personal verification that Michael is OK and that he is around ,via the appearance of the blue wren and also several unexplained events around the home ,however the main connection with him has been though mediums .I have been to a medium several times ,and without fail Michael will always make his presence known. His energy his strong and his ability to come through amazingly intense .

But last night to my surprise I was given verification yet again that he is in fact with us through a series of events and syncroninties that only a special spirit could orchestrate to let his mummy and daddy  know he is OK.

And here is how the story goes

A dear friend of ours and a very special person in my husbands life  decided he would go and see a medium . Our friend , to be honest is the last person I would have expected to go see a medium however I was pleasantly surprised that he was in fact open to this .However curiosity and stories from his family members regarding the accuracy of this particular medium led him to make booking to see her well over 12 months ago . This is not the same medium who I have gone to for my readings .

So almost 12 months later the medium calls him and offers him a reading. Of he went with expectation of who he wanted to hear  from to validate the reading .

As the reading progressed several of his family members came through all with uncanny validation that no one unless close to the family would have known , however towards the end of the reading several of our family members decided to make an appearance. Initially Vince's Mum came through , revealing her name however our friend did not make the connection given that he was there for his own reading and only expected his family members to 'pop' in . Then Vince's Dad tried to make himself known revealing his initial and the fact that he died from stomach cancer quite suddenly but still our friend could not get the connection to him and then the medium asked him

'Do you know an Angel Michael?'

Well with this comment our dear friends doubts, if he still had any, simply washed away as he revealed to her that this was in fact his good mates baby. In his own words the hairs on his body where standing on end as she progressed to tell him that Michael loved the blanket that we wrapped him in ( I had wrapped in in a very special blanket which i used for all my boys) . He also went on to tell her that He often plays with his sister Evangeline (which we have witnessed first hand) and that he in fact looks allot like Evangeline. He Mentioned to the medium that he reveals himself as a 'small bird or a sparrow' which our dear friend verified as being the blue wren. He told us that he is with his grandfather Giovanni in particular and he is well taken care of . He also told us that he loved his tomb stone and everything we put on it for him .

The medium comments to our friend that she was very surprised being a baby that he was able to come through given that there were so many of  HIS friends family members trying to make a connection and all with very strong personalities .

Our friend came over yesterday to share the story with us and with tears in my eyes I went to sleep comforted yet again that my baby is OK , in fact around us and being taken care of in heaven by his loving grandparents.

This was not enough for my boy and went on today to ensure we totally understood that he is around.

Our friends cousin also got a reading with this particular medium today . I'm not sure if she knows our story but we are in no way related and really have no connection other then our friends so I was extremely shocked to hear that Michael decided to also make an appearance in her reading also . The Medium asked her if she had a family member come and see her early this week , The cousin said yes . The medium progressed to tell her that Michael was here again and that he wanted her to tell our friend that he was comforting his parents last night when our friend was telling us about his reading '

How special is that and amazing . I am blown away at the lengths my little man will go to and I am so fortunate that he has the energy to make him self known and to let me know he is good.

I cannot tell you as a mother with a permanent ache in her heart for the child I could not raise how blessed I feel right now . I have had to accept the circumstances of Michael's death and the fact that I was not to nurture him however to have this connection I feel a deep sense of gratitude that I cannot explain in words .

I am soooooo blessed .

We are also blessed to also have special friends that take the time to let us know the messages and share in this journey with us .

My baby is around and if there was any doubt ever that he is in fact a VERY big part of our family on a daily basis , there is definitely no doubt now .

I have gone on to make an appointment with this medium who is booked 6mths ahead of time so I cannot wait to get my reading but in the meantime I will hold onto these cherished moments forever

Thank you J x


Thursday, October 18, 2012

How Far I have come

I haven't written in my blog for a while but tonight a feel compelled to write . Perhaps its the fact that Oct 15th was Remembrance day for all the babies/infants that are no longer with us. I have been thinking about Michael a great deal . I guess It goes without saying that not a day goes by where I don't miss my little boy. He is here with me and makes his presence known in many forms. But  I can honestly say that I am at peace with the events that happened almost five years ago . These events made me who I am today and has lead me to a path to finally honour who I truly arm.

I have recently started my Own business called 'Radiant healing' which has brought me back to the person  I was before I said goodbye to my gorgeous boy . This has put me in a position to do what it is that I love doing . What comes naturally to me. Had it not been for my spirituality prior to loosing Michael , I don't think I would have coped as well as I could have. But today I stand before you a loving , strong , renewed women who again is going forward with her spirituality in tact yet knowing who I am , what I stand for and my core values . I owe this to my son . I am who I am and honour who I am as a Divine child of the light here to help in anyway that I can. This is an aspect of my self that denied for so long . An aspect I was afraid to reveal for fear of judgement . But to have a child like Michael and to reveal to the world the circumstances of his death  I have opened my self to the worst possible judgement a parent would ever have to endure and I survived . Why? Because I know in my heart of hearts that  I did what was best for my child and what was best for my family and as a result I have been gifted with the strength to stand true to who I am and what it is  I love to do .

I owe this t o my little boy, who I know has touched the lives of so many with only a few short moments on this earth .

I am in awe of my angel and what he stands for and how he has helped me become the person I am today . And I can honestly say for the first time in a long time I honour me and how far Ive come

This photo captures  far I ve come in a way no words can desecribe

Tonight It felt right to show the world my little man x my boy who I love so much and proud to be his mummy. Hope you dont mind me sharing

Love to all


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mothers day

A mother is a mother in so many ways ! There are mothers who have there children with them . There are those who have older children . There are grand mothers in their glory days enjoying their time with their grand children ! There are those mothers for some reason have had to let go . There are mothers that are grieving their children who have crossed over and there are mothers that are nurturing both their living children and their children who have passed on ! There are those women who long to be mothers , grieving the child they never had . THe brave mothers who have had to nurse an unwell child back to health or the mother praying for their child on the frontline ! there are mothers who have lost their lives to become a mother or mothers who themselves have passed over watching over their children from above . So many stories yet so many ways to be a mother .

I have had the honor of meeting so many mothers ! And witnessed their amazing journeys ! Some with happy endings ! Some with tragic outcomes and some stories resulting in the best possible senario . But one thing in common we all have as mothers is the unconditional love we have for our children .

So to my mum and all the mothers out the there ! Happy mothers day . I honor you and admire you all. It is the toughest job in the world yet by far the most rewarding !

And to my children , my life who have allowed me the honour to be their mother ! Thank you for choosing me ! I love you all xx

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly !

A special visit from my baby 21/2/2012

It never ceases to amaze me that my baby boy does show himself when least expected yet when I need it most. I love that we have this connection . This is definitely not a bird that I see all the time so when I do see the blue wren it means so Much. I thank my friend Jenny so much for this connection and allowing me to know of this bird and that its Michaels way of connecting .

I love you Michael x

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Which Path ?

Healing has been a long process and I am so proud that I have come along way since the early days but there are still some residual issues that hang around and every now and again get stirred up usually depending on what is going on in my other children's lives.

Currently Nicholas has began lessons at school regarding the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to firstly state that I have christened all my children catholic and intended to support them in their journey as a catholic until such time as they are old enough to make up their own mind. But for my self I am struggling every day with being catholic. I believe with the fundamentals of the christian faith , believe in god , and Jesus being the son of god and even in his mother the blessed Mary , but its their stance on many moral issues and their inability to change with the times that I struggle with.

The decision to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was something that was not made lightly and something that I never dreamed I would have to make. I never dreamed in a million years that a parent would ever have to make the decision to end the life of a child they loved and wanted so dearly from the moment he was conceived. It really goes to show how naive i was back then. I took my previous pregnancies for granted and assumed a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy was a given.

So when I was faced with this decision you could imagine how this sent me into a tail spin as  I felt my world and all the fundamental beliefs that i developed over the previous 33 yrs and been shattered .I was afraid to speak to a priest for fear of judgement as I knew on a spiritual level what I needed to do. I did not want my son to suffer a day more then he had to and when the diagnosis came that he has Trisomy 18 and he were incompatible with life. I knew that setting him free was the most humane thing I could do . My life was to be hard either way. If Michael had lived I would have had to watch him suffer , watch him not being able to breath , not being able to eat , to speak to walk , to talk . And what would this have done to Giovanni and Nicholas. Yet if Michael had to die , I would have to live with the fact that it was my decision to let him go , I would be living without him ,grieving him, missing him . Either way for me it was to be hard .

Prior to making the decision with Vince , I did post on many forums searching for advice and opinions on what other families had experienced. I was bombarded by Christians preaching that this was not the way of god and that despite doctors advice for my own well being that i should continue with the pregnancy. This started to mess with my head and I new i had to get off line and make this decision independent of religion.

And so I did.

Admittedly I never sat down and discussed this with a catholic priest but knowing the Catholic stance on abortion I decided to not do so a i was very vulnerable at the time and mentally fragile. But since then I felt slightly hypocritical being catholic . Supporting a religion who's fundamental principles went against something so close to my heart. I even contemplated repenting , going to reconciliation . But how do I say sorry for something that was done out of mercy?. Mercy for my child. And would god want to see me allow my child to suffer? I don't know such a god !

So here I am 37 years old and confused about religion. To me religion is a path. And for many people , a path is needed . A way to connect with their god . But I am starting to feel that there is not one path that suits all and I guess this is why their are many religions/paths in the world.

For me (and only me) I am  starting to recognise more and more each day that god is inside of me and the path to god for me is to go within. I no longer need to look for an external source to follow god. God is in my heart and in my being , in every breath i take and the eyes of my children. My relationship with god is just that ....MY relationship with god and the older I get the more I am starting to realise that its OK for me to have that on my own.

I was fortunate enough to stumble across the following article and this has helped me to clarify a lot of what I was feeling .

Hope this helps anyone else that my have to make this decision.

I know this is a sensitive subject and I have written this to help me sort my own feelings out. Am I saying I am not a catholic anymore. I am not sure but for the time being and whilst I am on this journey called life and even trying to re establish my own fundamental beleifs , i am content knowing that god is with in me. x

Love and Light


Thursday, February 9, 2012

The lead up to Michael's Birthday was a bit like the weather really ....crap!

Why is it the the lead up to anniversaries , birthdays or other milestones So hard. For me I suppose its the reminiscing of the events leading up to Michael's birth . I really don't like living in the past and the now is a place were I am at my best . As soon as  I start reliving the past or worrying about what the future may hold , I do feel a certain level of anxiety. But when your in the moment and you are taking in the beauty of your child's smile or the intense colour of that pretty pink flower.. that is what is real . That is the only moment in time you have control of and the only event you can change. The current moment .

But knowing all this I guess its our humanity that allows our mind to go back to the events of the past or why we are all so curious to what our future may hold . And I guess this is why for grieving parents the lead up to your Angel babies birthday is always so intense.

In saying all this and with four years under my belt of grieving my baby boy which I'd like to think of these days more as celebrating my baby boy . I can honestly say that the actual day Is never that bad . Perhaps because for that day you are so focused on celebrating your child ...for that day you are in the NOW that it was actually a beautiful day .

The day began with the sun shining . After a week long of rain , we could not help but celebrating the vision of the suns gorgeous rays . Michael brought the sun out for us and for this reason we could play .

Giovanni , Nicholas and Evangeline helped me make his cupcake and brownie birthday cake. The boys in particular enjoyed licking the spoon  but Eva also got right in there helping to stir and contribute to the mess.Once Vince came home from work , we took the drive out to Rookwood with flowers and six balloons in hand. Upon arrival we tidied Michael's grave and in the mean time Eva managed to release 3 of the six balloons. We had a lovely peaceful afternoon at the cemetery , later taking a walk around the gardens and visiting Vince's Parents.





Last year for Michael's birthday my beautiful friend Keels from WA Sent Michael some gifts for his birthday. Amongst them was some sand from the children's Beach in WA Where Carly Marie takes photos of the Angel babies name in the sand . She also sent Michael some sea shells . Over the year I kept forgetting the sand at home when we went to the cemetery but finally for my babies 4th birthday , which felt so right we sprinkled the sand from The Children's beach over Michael's grave. This was very special and I felt very connected to my special friend in WA and her beautiful angel baby Tadgh x

Nicholas sprinkling the sand
 In the evening we invited Michael's grand parents and Auntie Cat over to help us eat Mitchael's cake . We had a lovely evening with family honouring Michael and to be honest.. I am not sure how long this will continue ..but for me as long as i shall live. I will promise to celebrate the life of a little boy who although was never here ,never set foot on this earth but made it long enough for mummy to cherish those few moments in my arms . Michael your are never ever forgotten , always in my heart . Happy Angel birthday sweet boy


I would also like to thank everyone who facebooked , messaged , rang , wrote poetry and sent gifts to Michael. It means so much to have him acknowledged. I cannot tell you how it warms my heart that those close to me take the time to remember Michael and read this blog .

This blog means so much to me . I feel like its a place I can write and dedicate to Michael .And in some ways helps me keep his memory alive and for this I am so grateful

Anna Karen the boys loved making Michael's Puzzle . And to Vivian , your poem was so beautiful . Thank you x

  • As you wake up in the morning 
    and Michael is not here to see, 
    you'll bake a cake & buy balloons, 
    you'll burn a candle too. 
    you'll imagine what the day would bring, 
    if only he weren't gone. 
    he'd run and laugh, and jump about, 
    you'd sing the birthday song. 
    He should be here today, 
    excited as can be... 
    Sifting through the toys and wrap, 
    bursting forth with glee... 
    But God had other plans for him
    these plans, you'll never know. 
    Today, the candle burns, 
    ...with no tiny lips to blow. 
    It's Michael's birthday number Four.....
    He will always be in your heart and thoughts
    Just as you will always be in my thoughts
    on this very precious day 


Friday, February 3, 2012

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Boy

As time passes so quickly you would think that this time of year would get easier. But the memories and the intensity of the expereince even four years on , are still very real . But I have to say even though the memories of Michael are minimal in terms of time that we had with him , over the last four years we have had so much confirmation that he is in fact around us and constantly watching over us .

I often wonder what Michael would look like as a four year old . He looked alot like my second son Nicholas ,so I picture him to be playful ,with dark hair and full life and whilst if he where here with us he would not have had that life , I know with my entire being that in heaven were ever that may be ...that is how he is . Just like his brothers . Kicking the ball , being cheeky , rumbling with all his angel friends . Thats how I like to picture my boy and thats how he appears in my dreams .

And just like my other Children , I am so proud of him . I often wonder how such a small beautiful soul that never walked this earth ..never left a foot print in the sand could touch so many hearts and leave a mark on so many lives . In particular his Mummy .

I know I have said this before but I am so blessed to have held you in my arms Michael . So honoured to have given birth to you and so proud to call you my son. You have tought mummy so much and with the help of your spirit I have become a better person . Mummy wishes every day that i could hold you one more time . Touch you physically . Spend a day with you you blow out your candles but our connection was to be on a different level my boy ...and for this I am enternally grateful .

So as your birthday approaches and mummy remembers the emotions I was feeling 4 years ago like it was yesterday thing is different . Today I smile . I smile for all the blessing you have given me and this is far more intense then the grief I felt four years ago .

Happy birthday sweet boy ! I love you and Miss you every day xxx  Mummy