Thursday, February 4, 2016

Michaels 8th birthday

This time of year never gets easier but the blessings and learnings keep on coming. I will always miss you. I was going into Labour this time eight years ago . It was never meant to be this way. But funny enough everything is as its meant to be. Our journey together should not have ended there but then on the other hand I would not be who I am if it were not for you and this experience. Sadness and gratitude all at once. Bittersweet emotions all at once. You taught me the true meaning of duality, of mothering and of life. For this I am eternally grateful and whilst every day I feel the void you left behind, I am fulfilled knowing you are in a better place.

We played this song at Michaels funeral. It will always takes me back to that moment . We have all named the song as 'Michael's song' .To this day it sums up how we felt. Just one of the many ways I feel close to him. I knew back then that he was my gift ( as are all my children) but with Michael the gifts where profound. My life was made in these small hours.  This little wonder. I will never forget.
I am one of the many mothers who has the privilege to mother an angel. Love to all that are parenting an angel and who are parenting children that are missing their angel siblings.
One of the hardest things is dealing with the grief of your children. The tears in my boys eyes are still very real and raw on days like today. They too long to play with their brother. Even Eva misses him even though she was not born when this event took place. She speaks of him often. She cannot wait to come home this afternoon and bake him some cupcakes. And  then there is Vince.  Well to Vince, he is boy that he never got to take to soccer. Never got to rumble and play with. A son that he too longs to hold.
Michael is and will always be a big part of our life. And although we don't get out to the cemetery as often as we would like, we know he is around us.

 I love you and miss you forever my baby boy Michael.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

Michael's 7th Birthday

All I could ever hope for as a mum of a little boy in the spirit world is that he is remembered. Thank you for all the calls and messages today and for all that took the time to respond to my post yesterday. Knowing that his story has touched so many hearts makes me smile and warms my heart. Happy birthday angel. Hope you loved your cupcakes

What helped me heal.

Today is my angel babies birthday and I am reflecting on what has helped with the healing process for me.

Do you ever truly heal? I am not sure. However, accepting the grief, honouring your grief and learning to live with the grief, as a part of your new reality may ease the pain.

Having spoken to many bereaved people, I feel that everyone has a personal medicine that helps them through the tough times. The things they go to when the emotions resurface as they do. These items were my personal medicine during my time of grief. If you are experiencing grief right now, I hope you find your personal medicine .

 1) My family and friends. Their love, support and compassion.

2) Not allowing anyone to pretend they understood when they didn't.

3) Having his name mentioned not avoided like something taboo.

4) His memory honoured and remembered. Even 7 years on, friends and family will send me beautiful messages honouring and remembering him on his birthday.

5) Having something tangible that represented his spirit. For me that came in the form of a blue wren. This blue little bird signifies my son and his freedom in the sprit world. Occasional I will see this beautiful bird and he seems to appear at times when I need it the most. I have received so much comfort. Also his little spot at the cemetery was that tangible place I could go visit the first few years.

 6) Being able to write. I loved being able to channel my thoughts and emotions in to a blog or poetry when the grief was raw. This was so therapeutic and helped me to process the intensity of the emotions.

7) Poetry - I love poetry and reading other poems especially the one that I share below, gave me so much comfort in the early days.

8) Having a place for Michael in our home. We have a little spot in our home where his photo and other items that remind us of him live. We light his candle often.

 9) Music- I have several songs that remind me of him. I have placed them onto a CD which I played and played and played in the early days. This too I found extremely healing.

10) My little boys persistence in getting messages to me when I was not paying attention. I cannot tell you how many times my boy has via other beautiful people delivered me gifts and messages that where so random and the synchronicity of the events that lead to me receiving the messages could have not been anything short of a miracle. Pay attention. They do try and get in touch with you.

 11) Meditation - The ability to visualise him, connect with him and mother him through my visualisations has been so powerful for me.

12) Channelling this energy into a purpose and knowing that his story touched so many people on so many levels.

If you are supporting a bereaved loved one, do not pretend to know what they are going through when you really don't. All people really need at this time is someone to listen to them. Someone to allow them to process at this difficult time. They are not really looking for answers cause really there are no answers.

Don't be afraid to ask 'HOW ARE YOU?' and genuinely wait and listen to the answer. These three words can be the most powerful. Knowing that someone genuinely cares is so important.

Don't be afraid to mention their loved one. You are not reminding them of their loss. They a living it every moment of their day and will do so for many years. You will find that they love talking about their loved ones.

Another don't is the phrase 'At Least'. I really disliked (maybe hated) this phrase. Well meaning people say ' At least you have other children', 'At least you know you can fall pregnant' does not replace the other and I found this phrase to be the most diminishing/undermining of all phrases. This, mind you does not only apply to bereaved parents and I have heard this phrase used in many contexts. Please do not use it when someone is grieving or to diminish anyone else's pain.

I hope this helps those that are grieving and those that a supporting somebody who is grieving. I am sure I have not covered everything so if anyone has anything to add here please feel free to do so or if you would like to share your personal medicine that would be great.