Saturday, December 24, 2011

This is a poem i wrote Michaels first xmas in heaven . The emotions are still the same but the pain a little easier. If I had a xmas wish is would be that he br here with us on earth for just one day . We miss you little boy and love you always ! Merry Merry Xmas


Michael this Christmas was to be your first

And my heart aches for you.

I have your precious brothers with me

But I am incomplete without you

A time of Miracles, a time for Joy

But I cannot see …

beyond the fact, and the hard cold truth

I will not have my baby boy with me

Everyone expects mummy to be ok

“you need to be for your other children’s sake”

But my heart is so empty, I miss you so much

I wish you were here when I wake

In spirit you are with us

They all say

But I will not hold you , see you

This christmas day .


Saturday, December 17, 2011

Its been a while since ive written on here and with my sons fourth birthday looming and the energy of 2012, the last two weeks i have been somewhat reflective on the events and lessons of the last four years.

If Michael has taught me anything , its the fact that life is too short and that as the days seem to go quicker and the years appear to be shorter , the more and more I realise that  I owe it to my precious boy to honour my life and the little time I have here .

Something has come over me and I have completely realised that its time to be true to myself and to be true to who I am an what I want from life.

I think we spend so much of our lives trying to please , trying to be something that we are not , for the sake of people liking you and perhaps for the sake of 'peace' . But when you are not at peace in side , when your inner world is in complete turmoil , how do you continue to justify living a life that is not real ....

Life is too short to fight these inner battles.

I owe it to me , Michael and my beautiful family to be true to myself and although I am about to make a decision yet again that has not been made lightly , I have survived having to make the toughest decision a parent would have to make . So this decision in comparison to having to say good bye to my beautiful boy is really insignificant.

So I have decided to be done with the drama .Done with not being me. Done with trying to please others at the expense of myself respect and moving forward from here , i will find peace for being me.

2012 is the end ..Not the end of the world but the end of life as I know it ! The end of the games , drama and toxic people who create it . Time to be free .

Monday, February 14, 2011

'Michaels Star'

This year for Michael's 3rd birthday I decided to Name a star in his memory .We named it 'Michaels Star'. I thought it was fitting and a reminder that michael is always shining down on us . The most amazing thing was that when I recieved the co-ordinates of this star , the constellation in resides in is in the shape of the letter 'M'. How amazing !

Michael has given me so much ..This is the least I can do for him . I had a friend say to me the other day that its great that we celebrate Michaels birthday. I really feel this goes without saying . I would not let my other childrens birthday go by without acknowledging their special day and I feel Michael deserves the same treatment/ acknowledgment . Its just something any mother would do for any of their children ..Living or in the spirit world.

I was overwhelmed and inundated with so many messages and gifts for Michaels Birthday this year and for that I thank everyone . For me all this is just my way of feeling so close to him and on some strange way I feel that even though he never lived a day on this earth he has touched so many people in so many different ways ! He makes me sooo proud .

You know howthey say that out of something so bad ...something good will always shine through well I can say in my instanse that whilst loosing Michaels was the most difficult epxerience I have ever had to face in my life I can honestly say that out of this I have been given so much . And one of the main things is all the amazing friends that I have made through out this journey. Mothers that have epxerienced the exact same event. Mothers ..angels on this earth that through there own hardships have guided me , supported me and got me through this experience and we have all come out the other end as special friends . A bond not willingly formed but none the less a blessing.

I recieved a special parcel for Michaels friends from a special friend in perth ..Keels ..

Thank you so much for always acknowledging and remebering Michael . You thoughts, words and gifts are always so touching. You are truely and angel on this earth and I know I have made a friend for life

To my other friends , Ness , Anna-Karen, Shelly ,Carly , Jen... and Many more that I would not have made had I not had this journey.. Thank you xxx

And of course thank you to all my family and friends that have been so supportive from day one . Thank you also for remembering and acknowledging Michael . It means so much

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Another beautiful poem given to my by my friend Vivian on Michaels 3rd Birthday x

Michael was so very, very special

And was so from the start

You held him in your arms

But mainly in your heart

......And like a single drop of rain

That on still waters fall,

His life did ripples make

And touched the lives of all.

he's gone to play with angels

In heaven up above

So keep your special memories

And treasure. them with love

Although your darling son,

Was with you just a while

He'll live on in your heart

With a sweet remembered smile

Thank you Vivian for these beautiful poems . They Mean so Much xx

The sky is filled with Angels

With puffy lacy wings

The remnants of God's beauty

With treasures they now bring

...Each one of them a Guardian

That travels in the sky

To watch throughout eternity

Their parents from on high

Smiles that come from Angels

They fall like crystal rain

Eases earthly burdens

Lifting all life's pain

Halos so astounding

That glitter gold each day

Following their loved ones

In such a perfect way

Wings in gentle breezes

That fall from up above

Kissing every parent

With everlasting love

Angels soar through heaven

With everlasting light

Looking down from heaven

Saying their "goodnights"

Kissing all who loved them

So gently on the face

This life's tender mercy

Each parent can embrace

Wings and shiny halos

Travel from on high

Surrounding all their loved ones

They never say good-bye.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Happy third birthday to my beautiful baby boy!

I Really cant believe that my baby was born 3 years ago. It only feels like yesterday that I was blessed to have those few precious hours where I got to hold his still lifeless body in my arms. I remember it like yesterday but yet so much has happened since that event . It is an event . A turning point in ones life that changes you forever and ever . You are never the same person after you experience such an event and for the most part most people (and I say most) take these experiences and become better people out of it . They gain strength and empathy for others and look at the world from almost a different pair of eyes . I guess these events alter your soul and well the eyes are the window to your soul so it makes sense that your perception of life is changed forever.

Michael did just that for me. He changed the way I saw things , He made me appreciate those that are dear to me even more than i did before and he taught me about me ! I learned so much about my self the first 12 mths and found an inner strength that i didn't know I had and for that his birthday will always be remember.



this one got stuck in a tree before eventually flying off !

I decided to mark his birthday this year by naming a star after my precious boy ! I can wait ti receive the co-ordinates . I explained to Michael's brothers that now Michael will always be shining down on them and all they would have to do is look at the stars. Eva , Vince and I also made the trip to the cemetery and at nite the boys made a cake for him and we release some balloons for him.

Its a special day but for a mother I can honestly say it hasn't gotten easier. It really hit home today that I was going to the cemetery to visit my boy on his birthday! It just felt so wrong not right and I really felt this overwhelming anger at the fact that I had to go there to be with him. NO parent should have to go to the cemetery to be with their child ! Its not meant to work that way and just felt so wrong. But this is life and this is my story ! And I know logically he is not there as I felt his presence around me all day!

I just wish ..just for one moment , one split second that my family could be together ! I guess that is every mothers wish to have her children with her . And I guess at some point it will happen . Not right now but we we all will be together one day surrounded by those that love us .

Until then my precious boy! I will love you forever. You are a part of me that I had to let go way too soon . I know that that bond will never be broken and in time things will be as they should be . Happy 3rd birthday cheeky boy! I love you xxxx Mummy

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Sunday, January 30, 2011


It means so much when people have the courage to bring up my baby and mention Michaels name. It means alot when I hear his name and I love talking about !

I guess we are in a different generation where its ok to talk about it now. My mums era ..these thing were just not spoken of .

My cousin messaged me the other day when her eight year old daughter saw a post by me on my facebook refering to Michael . She asked her mum who Michael was and her mum explained to he that he was my son and allowed her to read the blog ! She later told her mum that she wanted to do something special Michael cause he is her cousin too! It brought a tear to her to my eye. Yet made me so happy cause she acknowledged him this way . Sometime Children have a way have knowing what to do more than us adults . She is is special !