On Thursday the week that just past I had my 20 week morph scan. The lead up to the scan was quite an anxious time. For the most part I kept my emotions contained but I had a lot of trouble sleeping and really was not at ease. The day before the scan I found my nerves unbelievable out of control. I Was so nervous. Needless to say the night of the scan i didn't sleep at all. I tried everything to try and relax me.
The morning went by very quickly. We were fortunate enough to have a parent teacher interview for Giovanni which gave as I very pleasant distraction. He has made us so proud doing so well at school. The teacher was extremely happy with his progress but he has inherited my gene of "liking to talk" ..I think that is a sign of a happy child anyway...so got to be happy with that.
We arrived at the sonography place and thankfully were called into the room right away . The sonographer began the scan. She seemed to be zooming through the scan and all the parts. This was comforting but also quite nervous. Then she left the room. I could not help but to be reminded of Michael's Scan. What was a couple of minutes felt like hours as I stared at Vince who also looked concerned. A full bladder combined with uncontrollable nerves , I said to Vince "Please go find her"! With that the sonographer walked back into the room and continued with the scan.
Then we found out the gender of the baby. With a wave of emotions I burst into tears. I realised this was worrying the boys as the last time we were in this position and I cried it meant the baby was to died. We were in too minds about taking the boys this time to the scan but really wanted to turn this around to be a positive experience for them.
I reassured them that all was OK and mummy was just very very happy.
Relieved that all was good and that were were in fact having a healthy bubs ,, I walked out of there with a glowing smile. So relieved. I felt like a huge weight had lifted.
But after a couple days and a few misunderstandings with family members not understanding why I did not want to reveal the sex of the baby, and perhaps the down ward spiral of my out of control emotions, I started to feel very low. The grief for Michael seemed to intensify all over again as I missed him even more.
I really Miss him. Perhaps it the twenty week mark which is around when it all happened. I cannot help but wish that things were different. Things are as they are ..and as many say are not meant to be. And yes I am so grateful and happy that this precious baby in my tummy is healthy but Michael will always be with me and the experience will always be with me too. This changes you as a person and cannot help but change the people around you too. It is so profound. How could I ever forget him. How could I not honour such a little soul that changed my life so much. I am who I am because of Michael, and to change would mean to disregard Michael. That is something I will never do .