October 15th is a day in honour of all the babies who have had there life cut short ..Whether it be through ill birth , termination , SIDS ,Illness. Those that never made it here,or where only here a little while. It is amazing watching people unite to honour our precious Angel. At 7pm I lit Michael's candle in is honour. Remembering my precious Angel goes with out saying but what hurts the most is the memories are limited. Memories are something you build in time. All the special moments , smiles , milestones that we are meant to share with our children are lost for ever . I was very heavy hearted that day but knew he was around. He was close bye .But just for once ..just one time , one moment even one second i so wish I could hold him again . Give him a kiss and not feel this heavy hearted ache.
But as time goes on I am starting to raise i need to say good bye again
I have said goodbye to my little boy so many times but am starting to want to let go of this grief ..Its time to move forward ..to live life and not be all consumed by death an grief. I feel a little guilty wanting that, But now this is a part of who i am now! .Sometimes I just don't want this identify ..this person who has a dead child..i want to remember life before this grief ..
I want to be happy .Can a mother ever truly be happy when a big part of her is not with her? Yes they say ..he is with you...he is always with you and yes I get that .he is in my heart forever ..But he is not here! here in present ..not here to hold , to play to walk to talk to eat to celebrate his birthday with ..to celebrate my birthday with.He is not here!
Life is just really crazy at the moment ..So much happening so much going on ..I'm grateful that i got to pause even for a minute on October 15 to once again honour my son. But now it is time to honour me and this one shot at life that i have ...i only have one chance ,on life to be happy and I am total pursuit ..i want happiness and its something i deserve. No more grief (haha famous last words) only happiness...