Currently Nicholas has began lessons at school regarding the sacrament of reconciliation. I want to firstly state that I have christened all my children catholic and intended to support them in their journey as a catholic until such time as they are old enough to make up their own mind. But for my self I am struggling every day with being catholic. I believe with the fundamentals of the christian faith , believe in god , and Jesus being the son of god and even in his mother the blessed Mary , but its their stance on many moral issues and their inability to change with the times that I struggle with.
The decision to end my pregnancy was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It was something that was not made lightly and something that I never dreamed I would have to make. I never dreamed in a million years that a parent would ever have to make the decision to end the life of a child they loved and wanted so dearly from the moment he was conceived. It really goes to show how naive i was back then. I took my previous pregnancies for granted and assumed a healthy baby at the end of a pregnancy was a given.
So when I was faced with this decision you could imagine how this sent me into a tail spin as I felt my world and all the fundamental beliefs that i developed over the previous 33 yrs and been shattered .I was afraid to speak to a priest for fear of judgement as I knew on a spiritual level what I needed to do. I did not want my son to suffer a day more then he had to and when the diagnosis came that he has Trisomy 18 and he were incompatible with life. I knew that setting him free was the most humane thing I could do . My life was to be hard either way. If Michael had lived I would have had to watch him suffer , watch him not being able to breath , not being able to eat , to speak to walk , to talk . And what would this have done to Giovanni and Nicholas. Yet if Michael had to die , I would have to live with the fact that it was my decision to let him go , I would be living without him ,grieving him, missing him . Either way for me it was to be hard .
Prior to making the decision with Vince , I did post on many forums searching for advice and opinions on what other families had experienced. I was bombarded by Christians preaching that this was not the way of god and that despite doctors advice for my own well being that i should continue with the pregnancy. This started to mess with my head and I new i had to get off line and make this decision independent of religion.
And so I did.
Admittedly I never sat down and discussed this with a catholic priest but knowing the Catholic stance on abortion I decided to not do so a i was very vulnerable at the time and mentally fragile. But since then I felt slightly hypocritical being catholic . Supporting a religion who's fundamental principles went against something so close to my heart. I even contemplated repenting , going to reconciliation . But how do I say sorry for something that was done out of mercy?. Mercy for my child. And would god want to see me allow my child to suffer? I don't know such a god !
So here I am 37 years old and confused about religion. To me religion is a path. And for many people , a path is needed . A way to connect with their god . But I am starting to feel that there is not one path that suits all and I guess this is why their are many religions/paths in the world.
For me (and only me) I am starting to recognise more and more each day that god is inside of me and the path to god for me is to go within. I no longer need to look for an external source to follow god. God is in my heart and in my being , in every breath i take and the eyes of my children. My relationship with god is just that ....MY relationship with god and the older I get the more I am starting to realise that its OK for me to have that on my own.
I was fortunate enough to stumble across the following article and this has helped me to clarify a lot of what I was feeling .
Hope this helps anyone else that my have to make this decision.
I know this is a sensitive subject and I have written this to help me sort my own feelings out. Am I saying I am not a catholic anymore. I am not sure but for the time being and whilst I am on this journey called life and even trying to re establish my own fundamental beleifs , i am content knowing that god is with in me. x
Love and Light