Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Most of the time I am OK. Most of the time, I live and get on with things and enjoy and appreciate life for all it has given me and all that I have . And its been great and I have been so blessed. Blessed with a loyal husband , blessed with healthy happy children . I have had the pleasure of raising boys and now a fiery, energetic pocket rocket of a girl who I absolutely adore but drives me mad at the same time. I have a beautiful home, a business that provides for my family. I have great family. We have grown to love and respect each other beyond the years of petty sibling arguments and amazing parents who have loved me and given me so much. I also am surrounded by amazing friends . Old and new. All the special people that were there when life was really hard for us to deal with and maybe we were too hard to be friends with. I have so much to be thankful for.

But today  I feel ripped off . Totally ripped off and yeah this post may get a little negative and I won't apologise for that as this is how I feel. So consider this my official warning. If you cannot handle a negative post, well its time to switch off this blog.  Today I need to feel this and  I will allow myself that.

6 years ago my eldest child Giovanni was starting school. I had just found out that my baby I was carrying was gravely ill. I don't remember his first day very much. Yeah I was present, well physically but it was all so surreal. Its such an important milestone for any child. Watching them go off to Kindy and begin their life of learning and independence. Giovanni didn't cope very well. He cried and cried for a few days after he started and what made it worse was mummy two days after he started kindy was off to hospital to deliver Michael. It was highly intense and emotional time for us as a family . Watching my eldest accomplish his first milestone and saying good bye to my third child.

And so Michael was born and buried and life went on. And I had to assume the role of the Kindy mum, dropping off and picking up and dying inside. Why? Well their were so many pregnant women around. At school , friends and family member's all blossoming with their little bundles and yes it goes without saying, I was happy for them but I was dying inside. I remember the feeling. So numb. So out of it . That was the only way I could cope with this reality at that time. To stay numb.

So I feel slightly ripped off that I didn't get to remember and enjoy my eldest son first day at school. And bar a few photos, I really have no recollection of this important milestone.

And now six years later another harsh reality hits. Michael would have started school this year . This would have been a milestone for him and another Milestone that I did not get to share with one of my children. I feel sad. Sad that I didn't get the chance to dress him in a school uniform and walk him proudly into school. Sad that my family is without him. Sad that 6 years has gone by since I held him.

Till the day you fall from the sky and we are together again

Happy birthday sweet boy. Always in my heart and forever loved.


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