As time passes so quickly you would think that this time of year would get easier. But the memories and the intensity of the expereince even four years on , are still very real . But I have to say even though the memories of Michael are minimal in terms of time that we had with him , over the last four years we have had so much confirmation that he is in fact around us and constantly watching over us .
I often wonder what Michael would look like as a four year old . He looked alot like my second son Nicholas ,so I picture him to be playful ,with dark hair and full life and whilst if he where here with us he would not have had that life , I know with my entire being that in heaven were ever that may be ...that is how he is . Just like his brothers . Kicking the ball , being cheeky , rumbling with all his angel friends . Thats how I like to picture my boy and thats how he appears in my dreams .
And just like my other Children , I am so proud of him . I often wonder how such a small beautiful soul that never walked this earth ..never left a foot print in the sand could touch so many hearts and leave a mark on so many lives . In particular his Mummy .
I know I have said this before but I am so blessed to have held you in my arms Michael . So honoured to have given birth to you and so proud to call you my son. You have tought mummy so much and with the help of your spirit I have become a better person . Mummy wishes every day that i could hold you one more time . Touch you physically . Spend a day with you ...watch you blow out your candles but our connection was to be on a different level my boy ...and for this I am enternally grateful .
So as your birthday approaches and mummy remembers the emotions I was feeling 4 years ago like it was yesterday ..one thing is different . Today I smile . I smile for all the blessing you have given me and this is far more intense then the grief I felt four years ago .