The lead up to Michael's Birthday was a bit like the weather really ....crap!

Why is it the the lead up to anniversaries , birthdays or other milestones So hard. For me I suppose its the reminiscing of the events leading up to Michael's birth . I really don't like living in the past and the now is a place were I am at my best . As soon as  I start reliving the past or worrying about what the future may hold , I do feel a certain level of anxiety. But when your in the moment and you are taking in the beauty of your child's smile or the intense colour of that pretty pink flower.. that is what is real . That is the only moment in time you have control of and the only event you can change. The current moment .

But knowing all this I guess its our humanity that allows our mind to go back to the events of the past or why we are all so curious to what our future may hold . And I guess this is why for grieving parents the lead up to your Angel babies birthday is always so intense.

In saying all this and with four years under my belt of grieving my baby boy which I'd like to think of these days more as celebrating my baby boy . I can honestly say that the actual day Is never that bad . Perhaps because for that day you are so focused on celebrating your child ...for that day you are in the NOW that it was actually a beautiful day .

The day began with the sun shining . After a week long of rain , we could not help but celebrating the vision of the suns gorgeous rays . Michael brought the sun out for us and for this reason we could play .

Giovanni , Nicholas and Evangeline helped me make his cupcake and brownie birthday cake. The boys in particular enjoyed licking the spoon  but Eva also got right in there helping to stir and contribute to the mess.Once Vince came home from work , we took the drive out to Rookwood with flowers and six balloons in hand. Upon arrival we tidied Michael's grave and in the mean time Eva managed to release 3 of the six balloons. We had a lovely peaceful afternoon at the cemetery , later taking a walk around the gardens and visiting Vince's Parents.

 

 

 

 

Last year for Michael's birthday my beautiful friend Keels from WA Sent Michael some gifts for his birthday. Amongst them was some sand from the children's Beach in WA Where Carly Marie takes photos of the Angel babies name in the sand . She also sent Michael some sea shells . Over the year I kept forgetting the sand at home when we went to the cemetery but finally for my babies 4th birthday , which felt so right we sprinkled the sand from The Children's beach over Michael's grave. This was very special and I felt very connected to my special friend in WA and her beautiful angel baby Tadgh x

Nicholas sprinkling the sand

 In the evening we invited Michael's grand parents and Auntie Cat over to help us eat Mitchael's cake . We had a lovely evening with family honouring Michael and to be honest.. I am not sure how long this will continue ..but for me as long as i shall live. I will promise to celebrate the life of a little boy who although was never here ,never set foot on this earth but made it long enough for mummy to cherish those few moments in my arms . Michael your are never ever forgotten , always in my heart . Happy Angel birthday sweet boy

 

 

I would also like to thank everyone who facebooked , messaged , rang , wrote poetry and sent gifts to Michael. It means so much to have him acknowledged. I cannot tell you how it warms my heart that those close to me take the time to remember Michael and read this blog .

This blog means so much to me . I feel like its a place I can write and dedicate to Michael .And in some ways helps me keep his memory alive and for this I am so grateful

Anna Karen the boys loved making Michael's Puzzle . And to Vivian , your poem was so beautiful . Thank you x

• 
  

  As you wake up in the morning 

  and Michael is not here to see, 

  you'll bake a cake & buy balloons, 

  you'll burn a candle too. 

  you'll imagine what the day would bring, 

  if only he weren't gone. 

  he'd run and laugh, and jump about, 

  you'd sing the birthday song. 

  He should be here today, 

  excited as can be... 

  Sifting through the toys and wrap, 

  bursting forth with glee... 

  But God had other plans for him

  these plans, you'll never know. 

  Today, the candle burns, 

  ...with no tiny lips to blow. 

  It's Michael's birthday number Four.....

  He will always be in your heart and thoughts

  Just as you will always be in my thoughts

  on this very precious day 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Vivian

  
  

Happy 4th Birthday Sweet Boy

As time passes so quickly you would think that this time of year would get easier. But the memories and the intensity of the expereince even four years on , are still very real . But I have to say even though the memories of Michael are minimal in terms of time that we had with him , over the last four years we have had so much confirmation that he is in fact around us and constantly watching over us .

I often wonder what Michael would look like as a four year old . He looked alot like my second son Nicholas ,so I picture him to be playful ,with dark hair and full life and whilst if he where here with us he would not have had that life , I know with my entire being that in heaven were ever that may be ...that is how he is . Just like his brothers . Kicking the ball , being cheeky , rumbling with all his angel friends . Thats how I like to picture my boy and thats how he appears in my dreams .

And just like my other Children , I am so proud of him . I often wonder how such a small beautiful soul that never walked this earth ..never left a foot print in the sand could touch so many hearts and leave a mark on so many lives . In particular his Mummy .

I know I have said this before but I am so blessed to have held you in my arms Michael . So honoured to have given birth to you and so proud to call you my son. You have tought mummy so much and with the help of your spirit I have become a better person . Mummy wishes every day that i could hold you one more time . Touch you physically . Spend a day with you ...watch you blow out your candles but our connection was to be on a different level my boy ...and for this I am enternally grateful .

So as your birthday approaches and mummy remembers the emotions I was feeling 4 years ago like it was yesterday ..one thing is different . Today I smile . I smile for all the blessing you have given me and this is far more intense then the grief I felt four years ago .

Happy birthday sweet boy ! I love you and Miss you every day xxx  Mummy

This is a poem i wrote Michaels first xmas in heaven . The emotions are still the same but the pain a little easier. If I had a xmas wish is would be that he br here with us on earth for just one day . We miss you little boy and love you always ! Merry Merry Xmas

-


Michael this Christmas was to be your first

And my heart aches for you.

I have your precious brothers with me

But I am incomplete without you



A time of Miracles, a time for Joy

But I cannot see …

beyond the fact, and the hard cold truth

I will not have my baby boy with me



Everyone expects mummy to be ok

“you need to be for your other children’s sake”

But my heart is so empty, I miss you so much

I wish you were here when I wake



In spirit you are with us

They all say

But I will not hold you , see you

This christmas day .



Rita